Blowing 7 Different Kinds of Smoke...

Decisions

2012-02-07T13:13:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you wonder how people come to decisions in their lives? Do they think them out? Do they just make them on the spur of the moment? Do they put off making a decision until they absolutely can't put it off anymore?

There was a woman that went missing here in Utah a few years ago. It was December 2009, and she just disappeared. Her husband had no clue where she was, why she was gone, etc. He had taking their two boys out camping in the west desert the night she disappeared. (Really, who takes 2 small children CAMPING IN THE DESERT IN THE MIDDLE OF DECEMBER!) Police long suspected that he had something to do with her disappearance, but they never had enough to arrest. The husband moved to Washington State with his two kids. After a lengthy court battle with her family, her parents were awarded custody of the two children. This past weekend the dad had the boys for a visitation weekend, and, while they were there, he killed them. He set their home on fire, and he was killed along with his two sons. It was premeditated. Now, a coroners report has found that the two boys had "chop" marks to the neck and head, so he had tried to decapitate them before the fire was set. How does someone do that? How do they get to that place? I can understand being in a place personally where you feel you have no way out, but I just don't get how they could take someone with them like that. I never will. I can't even comprehend what must have been going through this dad's mind to be able to look at his CHILDREN and do that to them.

Moving

2011-12-06T14:10:00.000-07:00

We are moving...not by choice, but still....

We have been really blessed to find a new place so quickly. We have a 4 bedroom, 1 bath main floor of a house with a yard. A YARD! Who knew that I would be so thrilled over a small patch of grass....but when you've not had one, you learn to not take it for granted, I guess. It's $775 a month and that includes ALL UTILITIES! We are so excited! I found out the other day that the house was built in 1928. SO COOL. The rooms are huge and it is just so pretty. It needs a little bit of TLC, but what can you expect when the place is 84 years old? We are excited...I know I've said that already but we are! I can't wait to make it ours!

Thinking

2011-11-16T12:22:00.000-07:00

Last week we had a mom, whose kids go to our school pass away suddenly. They still don't know what exactly happened. She hadn't been feeling well, so she took some medicine and got in the bathtub to relax, and that was it.

She left a husband and six kids. She's got one getting ready to go on a mission, one in high school, one in middle school, one in 4th grade, one in 2nd grade, and one in Kindergarten. 5 boys and 1 girl (2nd grade).

I knew her, but not very well. She was Nolen's Bear Leader in scouts. And I don't know why, but her death has really affected me for some reason. Maybe it's because we never know when our last moment will be. I keep thinking about her children, who don't have their mother on this earth now. And I keep thinking that it could be me. She was heavier, and honestly I don't know if that had anything to do with her passing, but it still makes you think. It makes me want to hold my kids closer, take better care of myself, and savor the small moments.

Happy Birthday to my sweet girl! AGAIN!

2011-08-09T19:36:00.000-06:00

Today is my sweet girls 8th birthday. No matter how many times I tell her to stop growing up, she just refuses to listen. I don't like it.

I can't believe she is 8. EIGHT! Where did the time go! Seriously! Soon my lovebug boy will be 11....not ready for that either!

Soon Miss A will be getting baptized. This is a day that she has looked forward to for the last three years. When her brother got baptized she was 5...and she was VERY upset that she couldn't get baptized as well. Now it's her turn. I am not ready for my kids to grow up!

I wish I had a picture to put up of her, but my camera won't cooperate with downloading pictures for some reason. Happy Birthday my girl! I LOVE YOU!!

Time just keeps on slipping away...

2011-07-09T23:56:00.000-06:00

Time seems to go on and on and before I know it, 2 plus months have passed and I haven't updated my blog. Urgh.

I have actually been meaning to write this post for awhile, I just didn't know how to do it. A few days ago marked the four year "Angelversary" of my dad's passing. I have thought alot about his life in the last week, and while I was sad he isn't here any longer, I can honestly say that I am finally at peace with the fact that he isn't here. It's been a very long, hard road, but I am there.

Life wasn't always rosy with my dad. Rarely, in fact. My dad was Bi-Polar/Manic Depressive, and because of that, there were a lot of times that we were living in hell because of it. He was also a recovering alcoholic, and was dealing with personal issues from his own childhood that he was never able to be at peace with. I can remember periods where my dad would just sit in the dark and stare at the wall, not saying anything. It was like he couldn't see you, or hear you or anything.

When he was manic he could be very abusive. Before his diagnosis in 1991, he was physically abusive. Not to me or my sister, but that is because my mother wouldn't let him. So, he would beat her. But as anyone that has suffered through any type of abuse, the mental, emotional, and verbal abuse is just as damaging, if not more so, than physical abuse. Bruises can fade, but words, once spoken, can't be taken back. The feelings of inadequacy, of not being good enough, are remembered. The stinging, biting, hateful words, coming from someone you love, can hurt just as much now as they did when they were first spoken.

However, in spit of all that, we had lots of good times too. When I was growing up we did not have very much money. I can remember many times my mother not eating a meal because there wasn't enough food. So, needless to say, there simply wasn't money for things that a lot of kids take for granted. Our sled was a plastic trash bag...usually the same plastic trash bags that Santa had delivered a few presents and a meal and sometimes a tree in a few days before Christmas. I can remember my dad pulling my sister and I around in the yard on that plastic trash bag through the snow for what seemed like hours. I can remember my dad showing me how to take care of our horse that we had when I was older. For my 16th birthday, and my sister's 13th (our birthday's were ten days apart) our parents had gotten us a horse. He was a colt, just tiny. He and his mom and other horses had been rounded up on the Blackfoot Indian Reservation about 30 miles away from our house and were being sold to the glue factory. Atreyu was too little, but if someone didn't buy him he would be taken too. So, for $50, we got a horse. We had to go out and bottle feed him several times a day. My dad loved horses. LOVED them. But it was he who taught me how to bridle him, how to use the curry comb, how to pick his hooves. How to hold my hand out flat and straight when giving him grain. My sister lost interest in him pretty quick, so if it wasn't my dad taking care of Atreyu it was me. So, I learned how to go hunt him down in the pastures when it was time for grain, how to clean out his stall, how to fork in fresh hay. My dad taught me all of that.

My dad also taught me how to change my oil, check all the fluids in my car, change a tire. He taught me how to defend myself from being attacked, how to mow the lawn, how to milk a cow. He taught me alot...there was a lot of good times. There was a lot of bad times too. It definitely wasn't all sunshine, lollipops and rainbows. But he was my dad. He didn't have to be, but he wanted to be.

He wasn't my biological dad. That man, who I refer to as "the sperm donor" :), didn't WANT to be our dad. He didn't want us. So, when he didn't want us, the man I refer to as my dad DID want us. Even with all the crap he went through as a kid and everything, HE STILL WANTED US. He was the one there when I graduated eighth grade, filming it with a video camera the size of small microwave. He was the one there when I graduated high school, beaming from ear to ear. He was there when I got married, looking uncomfortable but so handsome in his dress clothes. He is the one my kids know as "Papo". He is the one that "threatened" Randon if he didn't treat me right. He was the one that was so excited that he had a grandson, the first, when Nolen was born. He was the one who's funeral I had to plan, who's casket I picked out, who was buried with full military honors in the veteran's section of the cemetary in my hometown. He is the one who's voice I would give anything, ANYTHING, just to hear one more time. Who's clothes I would cry into because they smelled like him, and when they didn't smell like him anymore cried harder. It was his name I took, not because I HAD to, but because I WANTED to. When I think of the word "Dad", it's him I think of. He was my dad. Mine and my sister's. He was OURS, and we were HIS.

I still, and always will, miss him terribly. When my mom passes away, I will have just as hard of a time, if not harder. (Please Lord, not soon. I still need her..) But, things HAVE gotten easier. They say that time heals all wounds, and it does. If not 100% healed, then certainly bearable. All I could do for weeks after my dad passed away was lay in bed. I was barely functioning. And for a good year and a half to two years after, there were still days that the grief was so debilitating that all I could do was lay in bed and cry. And cry and cry and cry. I had to go to counseling to learn to deal with the fact that my dad was no longer here.

I am so grateful that I know the things I do, that I believe the way I do. I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have of eternal families. Because of that, I KNOW that I will see my dad again someday. I KNOW that we will all live together as a family again someday. And I also know, that when the day comes, that there will be much joy and rejoicing, not only between my dad and I, but all those other family members that I love and miss so much....my grandfather, who died in a car accident with my 13 year old cousin when Nolen was two months old. My grandmother, who died suddenly when I was 7 months pregnant with Annie. And yes, my biological father will be there too. And I know that we will "fall upon their necks, and they shall fall upon our necks, and we will kiss each other;" (Moses7:63)

LA, PSO, SLC, and VISTA

2011-04-24T17:48:00.000-06:00

Here dwe are, just about into May, and I haven't updated in a while. Yeah.

So, lots has happened. I got a job. I LOVE it. I am an AmeriCorps VISTA. The easiest way to describe it is as a domestic PeaceCorp, but really, it's a lot more than that. The aim of the VISTA program is to eliminate poverty, and so VISTA's all over the country work within low income communities to do that. I will serve for a year, and then have the option to renew at the end of the year for a maximum of three years. At the end of the year I have the option to take an educational grant of $5300, or a cash stipend of $1500. I can take the ed. grant for a max of two years. I do get a "living stipend" every month, but it's not a paycheck haha. Since AmeriCorps is a federally funded program there are certain restrictions we have to go by. The official term of what I am is "federal volunteer" :).

I work with the Center for the School of the Future, through USU. I work within the school district here in Logan, and have been lucky enough so far to work at the kid's school, Bridger Elementary. I am sure that will change though, once things get worked out. I am just there temporarily.

The beginning of April I had to go to Los Angeles for PSO, or Pre Service Orientation. There we learned about the mission of the AmeriCorps program, took an oath of service, had FBI background checks done, and made friends. There were 24 people from Utah at PSO, and I feel like I made some lifelong friends at PSO. It was a very interesting experience. The facilitator of the group that I was in said something that really resonated with me, and that was that this year of service can be life changing if we let it. I've only been doing this a short time, but I know it will be life changing for me.

Earlier this week I went to SLC for more orientation/training/conference. It was the annual conference for the Utah Commission on VOlunteers. It was very interesting as well.

So far I am loving what I do. I would like to make a career out of volunteering, I think. :)

Dude, I am so bad......

2011-01-18T23:08:00.000-07:00

Just realized it's been nearly three months since my last post. Grr.

So...new year. Not much beyond that. Pretty much the same as last year. Same resolutions were made (I will NOT eat chocolate!) and same resolutions have been broken. Yup...on the first day in.

Kids still doing the school thing, hubby still doing the work thing, me still doing the lazy thing. HA! It's so true though. I really need to get back to the doctor cause all I wanna do is sleep. I need sun. And for more than just 5 nanoseconds a day.

Christmas was good. We really really REALLY are so blessed. It's so easy to focus on the negative, because that is what we seem to have a lot of. (I would even go so far as to say our family is cursed. If I believed in that. Which I don't. Just sayin'.) But really, we are BLESSED. We are SUPER blessed. We are SO blessed and have so many blessings that it's just blessedly awesome.

Life Likes to Throw a Curveball

2010-10-20T13:13:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, when you least expect it, life totally throws you a curveball.

That's how I've been feeling alot lately. Just really overwhelmed with everything. Church, kids, school....just life in general. I feel like I am trying so hard to keep my head above water...finanicially, emotionally, physically, etc. And there is something that keeps dragging me under. And it's not just me...I know my sweet hubby is feeling it to.

Maybe I Should Update?

2010-09-07T10:53:00.002-06:00

We have been back home in Utah now for about three weeks-ish. Maybe four. I can't really tell. The kids are finally getting into a routine at school. Randon's job is going fabulous. I am slowly getting my house organized. Sortof a spring cleaning in the fall type of thing. I also still need to take the first day of school pictures, but they will really be like 20th day of school pictures but we can pretend, right? First I have to get my camera fixed. Something wrong with the lens. REALLY not happy about that. I would love to get a DSLR, but can't afford one. Maybe someday we will be independently wealthy.

The Return of the Dreaded School Year

2010-08-17T11:21:00.000-06:00

School starts tomorrow! I am excited, but also sad. I wish we could have had maybe a little bit more time to do stuff with the kids as a family..me, Randon, and the kids. There are so many things to do in Utah with kids...Discovery Gateway, Thanksgiving Point, Hogle Zoo. We wanted to go to Bear Lake. Don't get me wrong...I am so glad that I got to see my family and spend some time with them. Part of me just wished that the summer was maybe a little bit longer. But I am also SO glad that the kids start school tomorrow. We need the structure and schedule back, and I need some time without kids underfoot back. The kids are obviously not excited, but I am :).

While we were in MT we celebrated a few things without Randon, and he was pretty sad to have missed them. I had my birthday in June, Father's Day in June, our 11th wedding anniversary in August, and Annie's birthday in August. Yeah, it's still August, but those things still happened before we got back. Coming up next is Nolen's birthday followed by Randon's birthday.

Montana, Sandwich Girl, 3 Years, and 3 Weeks (About)

2010-07-21T23:16:00.000-06:00

So about a month and half ago, the kids and I loaded up and headed to Montana (the day after school got out!) As some may know, I had REALLY been looking forward to coming to Montana to see my family. I really really REALLY needed to come see my family, my mom especially. It had been about a year and a half (give or take a few weeks) since I had last seen her and I desperately needed some family time. I love Randon's family so much...they are amazing and so good....but it's not the same as being around MY family.

Everytime I cross that Montana State Line it's like a huge feeling of coming home. That's how I knew that Logan was the place for us...I felt the same going into Cache Valley as I do when I see that Montana sign

.

At the risk of sounding prosaic, Montana is so much a part of me and who I am. I like to say that I was Illinois born but Montana bred. I have greatly enjoyed the time we have spent here and spending time with my mom. We have gotten to see my sister's kids, which was nice, because we haven't gotten to see them for over 2 years and haven't gotten to talk to them for about a year.

While I have been here I have been working at my mom's work, just making sandwiches and picking up the occasional cleaning shift. It's been nice because Randon hasn't had to send us any money for stuff and it is nice to have a little bit of money to help my mom out with groceries and stuff. One of the other gals there said to me one day "I don't know your name so I'll just call you Sandwich Girl." I said that works for me.

On July 6 we passed the anniversary (deathiversary?) of my dad's passing. I can't believe that it's been three years! It does get easier with time, but it's been a long hard road to get to a point where I am not crying all the time. I still miss him so much, but I know that he is happy where he is at.

And now, we are almost to the point where we will be going home in about 3 weeks! I can't believe it's almost time for us to go home already! The kids will start school about 4 days after we get home. There's a part of me that is really glad that I planned it that way, but at the same time I am kicking myself that I planned it that way. Oh well.

Spammers have ruined it.....

2010-07-16T01:15:00.000-06:00

Since there are people that don't have anything better to do than to spam comments, I've had to turn on comment moderation. I didn't want to have to, because, really, why should I have to? However, the spamming has gotten out of control. Seriously. Out. Of. Control.

So, even though the spammers are the only ones that read my blog, I still don't like having them leave their comments in some Asian language that I don't understand telling me to go here to this site to get cheap deals on laptops, cell phones, or anime. No offense, but really?

Update coming soon. ish.

A fun giveaway for me! Err....I mean you!

2010-06-01T17:11:00.001-06:00

Normally I don't blog about giveaways other people are doing, but if I blog about this, I get an extra entry, and I really REALLY would love to win this baby.

Tara at Dandy Giveaway is giving away a BEE-YOU-TEE-FULL oil painting of the Salt Lake Temple right now from Art-LDS.com. You can have up to five chances to win! Super cool! Isn't that purty!

One More Week!

2010-05-29T19:05:00.001-06:00

In one week the kids and I will be leaving to spend the summer with my mamacita. We are starting to get really excited! We will be gone for 2 months...June and July. We will be back in August. I am really excited to see my mom and there is the possibility that we will get to see my nieces and nephew and sister too. It's a much needed trip to spend some much needed time with my family.

It's been kinda funny though....we (well, Randon) has had NUMEROUS people ask him if we are having problems in our marriage because I am going to be gone for two months with the kids. Just to put EVERYONE'S minds at east...WE ARE OK! :) I just really need to see my mom and other family. In the last 2+ years I have only gotten to see my mom for a total of about 2 weeks. I just need to be able to spend some time with my family. The family I married into is absolutely wonderful, but we all know it's not the same. And since I don't have any constraints....I don't have a job, the kids will be out of school....we figured we might as well go for a visit and since it's a LONG drive....why not make it worth it?

Over the last few days The Pioneer Woman has been running one of her photo contests, "Coming Home". Every single one of the photos in this particular contest are absolutely beautiful. I have bawled over every single group that has been posted. My absolute favorite photos were 1, 2, 3, 4(the caption on this one is, to me, especially poignant.) 5, 6, 7, 8(this one makes me so sad.) 9, 10,(in this one he is meeting his six day old daughter for the first time!). And there are so many more! I could link up to every single one of them and list it as a favorite. I urge you to take a look at them all.

ETA: Group 5 was posted today. Again, some breathtaking, beautiful moments. Especially this one, this one, this one, and this one

Adventures in Logan, part 841

2010-05-15T18:18:00.000-06:00

So last night, May 14, my family and I were traveling north on Main Street in Logan. We got up the the Main Street/1400 North intersection. We had a green light, so we proceeded to go through the light. We were in the outside lane. We had just gotten through the intersection when there is a HUGE white Dodge Ram pickup truck that was trying to turn right from 1400 North onto Main Street headed north. I start honking, because HELLO! I AM RIGHT THERE! but she proceeds to hit us anyway. So I pull over into the Bank of Utah parking lot, assuming the driver of the other vehicle is going to pull in behind us so we can trade info, yada yada yada. Nope. She changed lanes real quick and took off. Randon and I get out to assess damage and couldn't see any. We didn't know what to do....do we call the cops, do we go on with our errands...what? Finally we decided to go on and get our groceries at Wal-Mart and go home. I figured that since the other driver had taken off and there was no damage, there wouldn't be anything we could do.

So we get home and I call my mom and she tells me that we should really go down to the police station and file a report. So we all load up again into the car and we go down to the city police to make a report. The lobby doors are locked so I call the number it tells me to. I make a report to the dispatcher and she asks me if I had called it in, and I said no. Apparently there were several witnesses to the accident and they had called it in. And from what the dispatcher said, the driver of the other vehicle had also hit a bunch of other cars, but I don't know how accurate that is. A witness had actually followed the driver to a house and gotten a plate number and called it in. We hadn't been able to get the plate number because the driver had taken off.

So we go home because the dispatcher told us that she would have an officer get in touch with us there. We get home and there is an officer waiting already. He tells us that they had gotten the driver of the other car, and the driver denied involvement in any accident. The officer had tried to find us but couldn't, so they had to let the other driver go. He takes our statements and says that he will get in touch with us when he has more information. The driver was a 15 year old girl from Preston, Idaho. She was driving on expired license plates (they expired in November of 2009!) and they couldn't track down any insurance information for her. Today the officer came back by with the insurance information. He said the driver was issued a citation (I imagine SEVERAL!) and that they (I am assuming "they" meant her parents) had mentioned to the officer something about a cash settlement or something so that it didn't have to go through insurance, but I don't know how accurate that is either. I don't think by any means the officer was lying to me, but we will see what happens.

Annie and I had gone to the ER last night because we were having some pain. My back is really bothering me now and Annie's neck is really sore. We both have some whiplash. Both Randon and Nolen said they weren't feeling any pain (Nolen DID say that his FINGER was sore...silly boy) but Annie and I were the ones feeling most of it, I think. We got hit on the rear passenger side, where Annie was sitting, so that totally makes sense. I was driving, and since we WERE hit hard enough to fishtail us out a little bit, I probably over corrected to avoid going into the other lane and getting hit there too. I don't know what happened exactly, but I DO know that my back is killing me. The owners of the other car will definitely be paying our medical bills.

So now it's a waiting game. Waiting to hear from the other people, or at least their insurance. Why does crap like this always happen to us lol?!

Just a Note...

2010-05-04T23:31:00.000-06:00

I have had to enable the word verification on my blog, in an effort to reduce the amount of crap comments I get. Honestly, I have resisted for as long as I could, but lately every time I post a new entry some spam bot leaves a stupid comment. Usually they are in Chinese or Korean or something. If I have to go to comment moderation I will, but I hope I don't have to.

Update

2010-05-03T21:58:00.000-06:00

I got my test results back from the doctor last week. As was predicted, I am VERY low in Vitamin D. I have been taking a multivitamin in addition to a Vitamin D supplement every day, so hopefully soon I will see some improvement in my health. I also had to get an oximeter from the hospital to do a sleep apnea test, which came back abnormal. So this week I have to go in to the hospital and actually do a "sleep study". I have to stay overnight and get hooked up to all these wierd things and someone will get to sit in a room and watch me sleep all night. Fun for them. And me. (Insert sarcasm here...)

I am so....ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ....................

2010-04-23T15:17:00.000-06:00

Lately I have been really tired. Not just tired....but SUPER tired. EXHAUSTED. I sleep probably about 10 hours a night and then get up late and can't make it through the day without a nap. And then I go to bed early. I went to the doctor to see what was going on and they are running a bunch of blood tests to see what was going on. So they are checking my Vitamin D, Iron, White Blood Cell Count, Thyroid, plus the doctor wants to see how I sleep. He thinks there might be a possibility of some sleep apnea. He said that if the QUALITY of sleep that I am getting isn't any good, the QUANTITY of sleep won't matter. So we will see.

The kids are almost done with school. Just a little over a month left and then they are out for the summer. There is a part of me that is excited for it, but another part of me that is dreading it. They just get SO bored and fighting and everything. Most of the time they are pretty good kids....I really have been so blessed with them....but sometimes....>:l

Little Red Balloons

2010-04-01T21:25:00.000-06:00

I lost my dad on July 6, 2007 in a motorcycle accident. His 53rd birthday was just a few days ago. Every year on his birthday and on the anniversary of his death, we send him balloons. I miss you, Dad.

So Tired.....

2010-03-21T23:54:00.002-06:00

Warning: Long, ranty, poor me post ahead.

I am so tired. Tired of everthing. I am so very discouraged and frustrated and SAD. I simply am at the point where I just can't go on ANYMORE.

I have come to hate the neighborhood we live in. I still LOVE Logan, but I have really come to hate our neighborhood. Our ward is still mostly great, our bishop is wonderful....but as our ward IS our neighborhood....well. Let's just say that I would be totally fine not going to church. Things have become so very tense and awkward because of various things. And now, it's affecting my kids too. SOOOO not ok. I pretty much hide in my house all day, even when it's absolutely gorgeous outside, because then I don't have to be around others. I would much rather hide in my house than be ignored and ostracized.

I am beyond sick and tired of being made out to be the jerk all the time. Made out to be the bad guy. I am tired of struggling for every red cent we get. My son wanted to make a poster for a reading contest at school. I didn't have 50 cents to buy him a poster board to make a poster. I am trying to build up a business to bring in income, and I can't even do that. I NEED to see my mom....but can't because of money and time. People that I thought were friends aren't. Even though I have apologized for things, even if I don't know why, I am still being treated like a leper or someone with some contagious disease. I am just at my wits' end. I simply cannot go on anymore. I am so tired of struggling. I am so tired of trying to stretch 1 dollar into 10. Or even 1 cent into 10 cents. Last wek I had to go to court for that stupid ticket for no insurance. I was sentenced to 8 days in jail. EIGHT FREAKING DAYS IN JAIL FOR NO PROOF OF INSURANCE!!! AND IT WASN'T EVEN MY CAR!!!! The judge suspended the eight days, but if I don't pay the ticket, which we don't have the money for, then I have to go to jail for 8 days. I would have to say that in this instance, the punishment DEFINITELY does not fit the crime. My husband and I (bless his heart) have been a lot more short tempered with each other lately as well. Normally we don't fight a whole lot. Lately we have been a little bit more. I know it is the stress of everything. We are both trying so hard and getting nowhere. On top of all that....I have to take a daily medication. My husband has to take a daily medication. My son has to take a daily medication. Have we been taking our meds? No. We can't afford to get the prescriptions refilled. Even WITH the insurance that we pay out the backside for.

I know that we are so very blessed, and I am so grateful for that. Right now, things are all crashing and happening at once and it is so overwhelming.

Will Work For Food

2010-03-17T14:47:00.000-06:00

Today, after I dropped my husband off at work, I passed a gentleman holding a sign that said "Will Work For Food." I have seen these signs numerous times in my life and am always a little saddened that situations in this person's life have gotten so that he or she can't afford a basic necessity such as food. (Although, I have to say that a friend of mine wonders, and I agree, that if they don't have money for food, where did the get the money to buy stuff to make a poster? Things that make you go HMMMMM? ;)).

Anyway, even though my life hasn't been easy by any means, (really, who's is?) and I have my fair share of trials plus some, especially lately...we have always had food in our cupboard. Not always a lot, not always what we would want to have, but it was there. Our kids have always had something to eat, again, maybe not what they want, but it was there.

As soon as I saw this gentleman I knew that I should do something to help him. I kept pushing the promptings aside and went on my way, knowing that even though I SHOULD do something for him, I really couldn't afford to. Before I had gone half a block past him I knew I had to turn around. I went to KFC and got him a meal, took it to him with the change left over that I had paid for, and went on my way. Could I really AFFORD to do it, financially? Not really. We are hurting monetarily ourselves, in a big bad way. But could I REALLY AFFORD NOT TO? No. We have been so blessed recently (see a few posts below about our AH-SUM car/gift!) that I knew I coldn't afford not to "Pay It Forward." Even though I don't know if that guy was REALLY, genuinely hungry, or if he was pulling a scam (yes, sadly, some do) I still helped someone that I perceived as being in need. For all I know, that chicken and potato meal may be the only thing he gets to eat today. I know that he probably would have preferred to have money...usually, that is what they are hoping for...but at least this way I KNEW that he was getting a meal. My momma didn't raise no fool.....she taught me that if you see someone in need, that you buy them the FOOD instead of letting them buy the food, because 90% of the time they will buy alcohol or cigarettes instead of food. I did give the change as well, but it was just shy of $4, so he really couldn't do much with that.

I don't share this to toot my own horn at all. There are so many more people that are much more giving than I am. (See below about our AH-SUM car/gift! Yes, I am still excited!) I share this more to share a lesson that I learned today. In this harsh economic climate that we are still in....we all need to help. To share. To give. Even though we may or may not be able to contribute financially, there are still things we can do. We can offer a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen. We can babysit a friends children so that she and her sweetheart can go on a much needed date. We can be a friend. And, if we can give a little bit more...then that's good too. Yes, I am sure that gentleman was grateful for a warm meal. I could not, in good conscience, go by him without helping. That would be, to me, ungrateful in a way, for all I have received.

Home

2010-03-15T21:46:00.002-06:00

I saw this on one of the many blogs I peruse and I just had to share. It's HILARIOUS! Awesome! I love it! It was made by Stephanie over at Somewhat Simple.

Angels Really Do Exist

2010-03-10T21:44:00.001-07:00

Tonight I was checking my email when a knock sounded on the door. I went to answer the door and there was a man standing there. He asked if I was Mrs. Smith, and I said yes. He goes "Oh good, I've got the right place then." I thought he was serving court papers, so I was kinda wary. He points to the car he pulled up in and says "Someone that cares about you very much wanted me to give this to you." I said "What?", thinking I had heard him wrong. He says again that someone had asked him to deliver that car to us, and that he had been working on it all day and that it was running really good, not to powerwash it for a few days because it has a new windshield in it and powerwashing it would knock the window out and in a few days we could take the tape off. He says all we need to do is get it licensed and insurance and that everything is here to allow us to do that. It has been inspected, it has a full tank of gas, and the title is clear. He said that we needed to have an officer come and look at the car because it had last been registered in Idaho so an officer needed to come and make sure the VIN were matching or something like that. I didn't really comprehend it, because my mind was spinning from the whole scenario. There was an envelope clipped to the title and the inspection, and in the envelope was $400. $400!!!!!! My first thought was, "This ticket I got the other day is gonna be $400", but then I decided that the money had been given to help us pay the taxes, license, and get insurance, so that is what it will be used for.

So thank you, whoever you are. We cannot say thank you enough. (This is a picture of what the car looks like, only its a different color. It's a 1991 Honda Accord.)

Trials and Faith

2010-03-07T18:29:00.000-07:00

Lately we have been having a really hard time, harder, it seems, than normal. I know that trials are necessary and they help us to excercise our faith, but sometimes I wish that they could all just go away. All the trials.

As you may or may not know, our car recently passed away due to transmission issues. We were borrowing a car from a friend and were going to try to buy it from them.

When we borrowed the car, I knew that they didn't have insurance on the car, but it was a risk I was willing to take because they were kind enough to let us borrow a vehicle and we needed a car. The other day I got pulled over because the officer thought Nolen wasn't wearing a seatbelt, which he was. He then said that when he ran the plates it showed that there was no insurance on the car. He proceeded to tell me all this stuff about insurance and tickets and that he is going to have to impound the car. Then he says that if I will park the car he won't impound it. So I park the car and try to go get insurance on it, at least temporarily so that I can drive the vehicle, but I can't because the car isn't in my name, which is understandable, but frustrating.

I call my friends to tell them the situation because I don't know what else to do, and they go pick up the car and take it back to their house. They said they would call us to talk about options but they have never called, which leads me to believe they are really mad. Maybe they aren't, but what else can I think. So now we are carless, again. The officer proceeds to tell me that Cache Valley is a great place because of the bus system, and he is right, it is. I am so glad that there is a bus system here. However, I have come to the conclusion that the officer doesn't have children, because if he did he would realize how inconvenient the bus system can be. Yesterday I had to take the bus over to a local shop that is about a 5-10 minute drive from my house, depending on traffic. We had to take a bus. A trip that would have taken me 20 minutes tops turned into a 3 hour trip because of having to wait for busses, transfers, etc. I don't have time to wait around like that. If my kids have an emergency in the middle of the night and have to go to the emergency room, how are we supposed to get there? The bus system, while great, doesn't run 24 hours or on Sunday's here.

I think more than anything, I am frustrated. Frustrated because we are struggling SO bad. Frustrated that I now have a $400 ticket that I can't afford to pay, but if I don't, I go to jail. Randon and I were talking the other day, and although we haven't changed HOW we drive at ALL, we have been pulled over MORE here in Logan than we have any other place we have ever lived. And we have only lived here about 1.5 years!

I know that in the grand scheme of things, my trials are nothing compared to what some have faced, and even recently. Earthquakes, tsunamis, loss of life.....these are trials that are so much greater than what I am facing. However, it also seems that lately we have had one trial after another after another, with no end in sight. I am so tired of scraping for a gallon of milk...or a loaf of bread. Tired of trying so hard to make a living and do what is right and not getting anywhere. I miss my family...I haven't seen my mom in a year, my sister and her kids longer than that. I REALLY need to be able to see my family. I have thought so much about moving to be closer to my mom for awhile, but why? We would still have problems there. I don't know. I keep praying for relief, and none comes.

Happy March!

2010-03-01T11:46:00.000-07:00

March is here! I can honestly say that I think March and April are two of my favorite months. I love early Spring, and March and April symbolize that for me: the earth waking up, renewing itself. Longer days, warmer temperatures. I love to see the trees budding out, their tiny green leaves unfolding into the beautiful spring sun. Tulips (one of my favorite flowers!) peeking their tiny heads above the cold ground, the sunny happiness of lilies making me smile. I love to see the robins hopping around and hear the birds chirping...gentle breezes making the neighbors wind chimes move, their twinkling melody reminding me, once again, of spring.

March is also my dad's birthday month. This year he would have been 53. I can't believe that nearly three years have passed since I last saw him, or heard his laughter. I miss you Dad, so much. Everyday I miss you.

March is also the birthday month of my bff, Toadween. (That's really not her name..just what my daughter called her cause she couldn't say Colleen, and it stuck..) I love this girl so much. I miss her so much. She lives in St. George, I live in Logan. Kind of opposite ends of the state. I haven't gotten to see her for over a year....the last time was when she and I went to the most awesome concert evah! NKOTB! WOOT! She kinda thought they were dumb, but surprised me with tix cause she knew I loved them SO much. I am still giddy that I went to their concert, over a year after the fact. Just one of the many reasons why I love her.

Happy March!

Mermaid or Whale?

2010-02-24T22:02:00.000-07:00

I found this in my web travels and just HAD to share! I LOVE this!

Recently, in a large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said:

THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?

A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern:

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia. Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them not to mention how could they have sex? Therefore they don't have kids either. Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who's skin is all scaly and smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me... I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my grandkids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a soda with my friends. With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, "Good gosh, look how smart I am"!

We Are The World--25th Anniversary Edition

2010-02-13T18:34:00.000-07:00

25 years ago, Michael Jackson and Lionel Ritchie wrote a song called "We Are The World" to help benefit the country of Africa for famine relief. On the 25th anniversary of the recording of that song, musicians and actors gathered together once again to re-record the song to benefit Haiti.

Even though I am a little bit older than 25 (but not many years older) I can remember when this song originally came out. USA for Africa (the original cast of musicians and actors that sang this song 25 years ago) raised more than $50 million dollars for African relief. I KNOW we can do the same for Haiti

.

To download and donate, please visit

We Are The World
by Michael Jackson and Lionel Ritchie

There comes a time
When we head a certain call
When the world must come together as one
There are people dying
And it's time to lend a hand to life
The greatest gift of all

We can't go on
Pretneding day by day
That someone, somewhere will soon make a change
We are all a part of
God's great big family
And the truth, you know love is all we need

[Chorus]
We are the world
We are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day
So let's start giving
There's a choice we're making
We're saving our own lives
It's true we'll make a better day
Just you and me

Send them your heart
So they'll know that someone cares
And their lives will be stronger and free
As God has shown us by turning stone to bread
So we all must lend a helping hand

[Chorus]
We are the world
We are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day
So let's start giving
There's a choice we're making
We're saving our own lives
It's true we'll make a better day
Just you and me

When you're down and out
There seems no hope at all
But if you just believe
There's no way we can fall
Well, well, well, well, let us realize
That a change will only come
When we stand together as one

[Chorus]
We are the world
We are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day
So let's start giving
There's a choice we're making
We're saving our own lives
It's true we'll make a better day
Just you and me

1 Step Forward, 10 Steps Back

2010-02-08T19:16:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that we are already into the 2nd week of February. Time flies when you are having fun, I guess. Except we haven't been having much fun.

The last few weeks have been VERY difficult for me personally. In addition to "friend" troubles, I have been having a hard time emotionally, mentally, and every other -ly you can think of.

I car FINALLY keeled over and died. We knew it was coming, but we were REALLY hoping that it would last a little bit longer. And this is, of course, AFTER we have put money that we didn't really have to waste into it. But we didn't really have a choice....we have to have a car and it's our only one. Thankfully, a friend had an extra car they weren't using and offered to let us use it. We are so very grateful for the use of their car. 1 step forward, 10 steps back.

We were able to get our taxes done and were really looking forward to paying off some bills and putting a down payment down on another vehicle, but then we were told that we would not be getting a tax return this year. I just cried. That was money we DESPERATELY needed, and now we aren't getting it. 1 step forward, 10 steps back.

I have also been looking for another job the last while, because even though I don't really WANT to work, I NEED to. Just in order for us to get by, we both have to work. I don't MIND working, especially now that my kids are a little older. But I have been trying to concentrate on other stuff and it would be hard to concentrate on those things if I am working. If my kids were still tiny and not in school, there would be no question. I would be at home, or, at the very least, I would be working a totally opposite schedule than my husband. However, he works in the middle of the day till evening, not leaving much room for variation. But it works for him and he likes it, so I wouldn't ask him to try and change. 1 step forward, 10 steps back.

I think alot of my problems, why I haven't been feeling so great lately, is that I haven't been out of Cache Valley in MONTHS. None of us have. As much as I love this valley, sometimes a change of scenery is much needed. The never-ending winter doesn't help either. I long so badly for Spring...I can't wait to dig out my flower beds and soak up the sun. To see the tulips and lilies poking their little heads out of warming the earth. The sun was shining today and it felt so good. I can't wait for spring. I really think once that happens, I will feel a lot better. No more inversion, no more gray skies, no more cold and snow and yuck.

Altered

2010-01-28T13:28:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about how I treat other people and the perceptions that they come away with about me.

I had always thought that I was a pretty nice person. A little mouthy sometimes, but overall, I thought I was a nice person that anyone would enjoy being friends with. I didn't think that I was mean, or malicious. I knew that at times I could be gossipy, but it was never done with a cruel intent. I was always willing to do what I could to help someone.

Over the last several months though, I guess I haven't been as nice as person or as good as a friend to others that I could have been. In my defense, I had no clue that others felt the way that they do. Nothing was ever said to me about my actions so that I could fix them. While that does not excuse my actions, I also can't fix things and try to be a better friend and person if I don't know that things are wrong.

I feel badly that people were afraid to be honest with me. I feel badly that I wasn't a better friend. Even though I have apologized numerous times since finding out how people felt, friendships have forever been changed by my actions, and not only by mine, but by the actions of others. I truly feel that I have lost some good friends that I held very dear to my heart. I am not taking the entire blame, but I do know that some of the fault is mine.

Sadly, even though it may not be Christ-like, this whole thing has served as a lesson to me to be not only more careful with my heart, but now I feel like I will have to analyze EVERYTHING I say and do because of how others may perceive it. It hurts my soul so much that this whole thing even ever happened, but I can't change the past. I can only learn from it and apply it to the future.

We ARE Still Alive!

2010-01-19T14:14:00.001-07:00

We are still alive. Somedays I think barely, but we are still here. You never realize how much a computer dying can put a crimp in your daily activities till it happens. Be back soon! :)

Things That Caught My Attention in 2009 and 2010 Resolutions

2010-01-02T19:22:00.001-07:00

2009 was an interesting year, not only on a personal front, but on a worldwide front as well. A recession hit our country, and like many other families across America and the world, our family was hit by hard times as well. Several members of our extended family passed away, a job was lost, medical diagnoses were made that through us for a loop, but we persevered, and are hoping for a better 2010.

For the first time in our nation's history, an African American was elected president. Barack Hussein Obama became our nation's 44th leader in January and has led our country through a year full of upheaval. While I personally don't care for the way the country has been going over the last year, nor do I care for some of the policies and such that he is trying to sign into law, I still support the President to a degree as the leader of our country. A leader, no matter what he or she is at the helm of, can't go anywhere without the support of his or her people, whether it is in a global situation (such as a country's leader) or a local situation (such as a manager at a place of employment.)

This year also saw a multitude of deaths that shook the political and entertainment world. From Ted Kennedy to Farrah Fawcett, Patrick Swayze to Billy Mays, there seemed to be an inordinate number of celebrities that passed away this year. Two of the saddest, in my opinion, were Natasha Richardson and Brittany Murphy. Richardson died in a freak skiing accident in early 2009 and left behind a stunned and grieving family, as well as legions of fans. I thought she was a very talented actress and miss her shining example on the big screen.

Brittany Murphy was one of the last deaths of 2009 that I know of, and at the same age as I, it surprised me and saddened me that her flame has been extinguished. While I don't think she ever would have reached the ranks of say, Meryl Streep or Julia Roberts, I do think she was talented and was fun to watch. Her death is still being investigated.

The biggest shocker of the year came in the form of the death of The King of Pop, Michael Jackson. His death came out of nowhere and blindsided us all. I can remember listening to his music as a child and dancing and bebopping around. I have to honestly say, that his was the only death this year (high profile) that I cried over. His legacy will live on forever...he influenced music in such a way that will never be forgotten. As we all know, his latter life was characterized by messy court battles and allegations of, to put it nicely, misconduct with a minor. No matter what you may think of him as a person, he was a talented, vibrant performer who has left a void in the music world. Rest in peace, Michael. You deserve it.

One of the things that I think impacted me the most this year, however, was watching Susan Boyle dream a dream on Britain's Got Talent. When she sang Les Miserables' "I Dreamed a Dream" I literally got chills. I have heard it numerous times since then and get chills every time. I cried when I saw how people reacted to her coming out on stage at her initial audition. I cheered for her when she stunned them all with her beautiful voice. Even Simon Cowell, known for his harsh diatribes and insensitivity, was flummoxed by Susan Boyle. Susan burst onto the screen and into the hearts of people at a time when we all needed something to hope for, someone to cheer for. Her determination and perseverance taught me, and I think many people, a lesson in never giving up on yourself and your dreams. Her album was released in mid November, and reached Platinum status by mid-December.. Judged by her appearance, Susan stunned the world with her incredible voice and determination to show us all that no matter what you may look like, what people think of you, or your circumstances in life, that anything is possible if you believe in yourself. (For the record, I think Susan Boyle is a beautiful woman. Her generous, loving and humble spirit shines through and that is all I see when I look at her.)

Now, 2010 is upon us, and like many other people, I have resolutions to become a better person. One thing that I am going to do this year is get healthy. I tell myself every year that I will, and never do. This is the year that it is going to happen. I have already taken some steps to help me succeed in my endeavors, and my family is coming with me for the ride. No more excuses, no more justifying why I don't get healthy...this is it. I am 110% committed to making myself and my family a healthier family. I just had to get to a place mentally where it wasn't ok anymore. Other goals include becoming financially stable (another popular one) and serving my fellow man more.

The One Thing I Never Thought Would Happen to Me, or, How I Spent the Evening As a Guest of the Cache County Correctional Facility

2009-12-22T11:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a fun day. (Insert sarcasm here, as it will likely run rampant through the bulk of the post.) Sonny boy had been playing with a friend for the majority of the day, and they wanted to know if his friend could spend the night. I took him home to ask and then we were coming back to our house...we live approximately 3 blocks from each other. As I turned the corner off of his street, I saw a police cruiser parked at the end. I knew he was gonna get me because Sweet girl hadn't gotten buckled up yet (after repeated requests from me to do so). However, as we were only going three blocks I wasn't pushing it as hard as I should have either. Totally my bad there.

So anyway, the officer pulls me over, which I knew he was going to do, and he goes to run my information. He comes back a few minutes later and asks to speak with me outside the car. Uh oh. He politely informed me that there was a warrant for my arrest out of Washington County, UT, and if I was aware of it. The warrant was from a failure to appear in 2002. I remember getting a speeding ticket in 2002, but was fairly certain I had paid the ticket off. I distinctly remember certain events that lead me to believe that the ticket was paid. Anyway, the officer informs me that he is going to have to arrest me, which I knew he would. He kept saying how sorry he was and everything, and I just told him that I knew he was doing his job and it wasn't his fault. I called my husband at work and told him the situation and said that I was going to have to bring the kids and car over to him at work. So the officer follows me over to hubby's work and I drop the kids are car off to him. The officer had asked me at one point after I was done talking to hubby if it was ok if I dropped the kids off, and I just kinda laughed and said "Well, he kinda has to be ok with it. It's not like I had a choice in the matter."

So the officer takes me to the Cache County Correctional Facility, which is where I had to go because it was an inter county thing. He tells me that he is going to have to handcuff me (per policy) to bring me into the jail. I was just glad he didn't do it in front of the kids. So I was booked into the jail and waited (and waited, and waited) for hubby to come and make bail for me. (And yes, booking in is just like it shows on TV. Pictures, fingerprints, etc.)

While I was there there were a few other people brought in, 2 males and another female. The males were pretty laid back...you could tell they had rode in that rodeo before. :) The female, however, was another story completely. She was very vocal and resistant and they had to put her into a holding cell by herself. She kept kicking the door and yelling at the officers....I felt really bad for them. Really put into perspective a little bit of all the abuse I am sure the officers go through on a daily basis.

All in all, it was a very interesting experience. Certainly not one that I care to repeat, however. The officers were very pleasant (but thorough) in their job and as long as I was respectful and courteous (which I wouldn't have been anything but) they showed me the same. It was definitely something that I will never forget. I NEVER thought, in a million years, that I would have been arrested. NEVER. I didn't have that particular experience on any bucket list or anything. But oh well...life doesn't always happen according to plan.

Random Rumblings

2009-12-14T17:43:00.000-07:00

I was recently informed that I don't update my blog much. I hadn't realized that it had been so long. So a small update and random rumblings...

So first...Tiger Woods. Hello! I can't believe that everyone is in such an uproar over this whole thing. He is losing deals right and left, all these women are coming out of the woodwork. I think that it was inevitable that SOMETHING would happen. Everyone I think is so appalled because he projected such a squeeky clean image. While I don't absolutely condone his actions, he is still human. I think everyone should just let him and his family pick up the pieces of their lives and try to move on, but it is hard when there is a camera constantly in your face and in your business.

2nd. New Moon. Totally fabulous! I loved it. Nuff said.

3rd. Christmas is here. Yay. Snow is here. BOO. Hopefully it doesn't stick around because I wanna go see my mom for Christmas.

It's Been a Year!

2009-11-17T00:01:00.000-07:00

A year ago I got to see my favorite musical group EVAH! Of all time! I still love them SO much!

Although now, they are older, and so much better looking!

(Sigh). That night is still in my top 5 of best nights ever. EVER EVER EVER.

I feel like Dorothy...

2009-10-30T21:38:00.001-06:00

....You know the part where Dorothy is the house and the house is in the middle of the tornado and Dorothy looks out the window and everything is topsy turvy and flying around?

Totally my life right now.

Last week My Sweet Boy FINALLY had the long-awaited surgery. It went pretty quick. Thankfully we had an AWESOME doctor (Dr. O, as we call him because we can't say his last name) is wonderful. He came to talk to us after and said that everything went well and it wasn't as bad as we were all originally thinking. We had to check in at Primary Children's at 9:45 on surgery day and we were gone by about 2:30. Sweet Boy is recovering very well. He has been home all this week though because he IS SICK! Down with the sickies! Poo on them!

Sweet Girl is doing well too. She has been home quite a bit lately as well due to the sickies, but she managed to go back to school yesterday and today. She didn't want to miss Halloween at school.

Hubby is just plugging along at work. They are getting ready to change over from Albertson's to Associated Foods. This has been several months in the making and I for one will be glad when it is all over. That will mean that all the indecision and rumors and wondering if his job is secure will be over too.

And then we have me. Where to begin? I don't know if I have a job anymore, for one. Without going into too much detail yet, I did something that I honestly didn't know would be going against policy and now I am on suspension until further notice. I fully do not expect to have a job when it is all over.

I keep trying to keep a positive outlook on it. It is hard, because we really needed my income as well as hubby's to just even stay afloat. With the holidays coming, the economy....it's a bad time to be out of work. And I had a GREAT job. I loved my job, I loved the people I worked with....

I am a firm believer in things happening for a reason, and I keep telling myself there was a reason this all happened. I think there was something else I am supposed to be doing, and I couldn't do it as long as I was working. I think Heavenly Father knew that, and He knew that I would never willingly quit my job. So He made it so I had no choice. As of right now, I don't have any concrete ideas of what that may be, but I have a few ideas.

I am sure that I can find some answers on the yellow brick road. Now I just have to find it.

A Conversation

2009-09-20T20:41:00.002-06:00

A little background: my son has asthma, and the last week he has really been struggling with it. He has been coughing alot and it has been driving us all crazy, especially him. We had a conversation about diseases earlier.

Son: "Gosh Mom, I hate having this disease! Do you have any diseases?"

Me: "Elephantitis."

Son: "What's Elephantitis?"

Me: "It's where your body swells up uncontrollably and you look like you are really fat all the time because of it."

Son: "Wow Mom. Sorry that you have that disease. Having diseases are no fun."

(Just for the record, I DO NOT have Elephantitis. I do not know anyone that does. I do know that it is a real disease and I am not intending to poke fun at anyone that may suffer from it or knows someone that does.)

Random Thoughts

2009-09-19T20:34:00.002-06:00

I jacked this from my lovely SIL's blog and thought I would repost it here, just for kicks and giggles. Of course, this applies to my life and not hers.

Hit forward and place an (x) by all the things you've done and remove the (x) from the ones you have not. Then answer the questions below. Send it to your friends (including me). This is for your entire life! Well, maybe.....

( ) Been to Europe (not yet)
( ) Been on a cruise (no... dang it)
( ) Skipped school
( ) Watched someone die
(x) Worked in a hospital (Does a nursing home count?)
(x) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
( ) Been to Florida (No....maybe someday.)
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Been lost
( ) Been on the opposite side of the country (Maryland, D.C., Boston)
( ) Been to Washington, DC (see above)
(x) Been to Vegas (too many times to count)
( ) Climbed a lighthouse (not yet)
( ) Swam in the ocean
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
( ) Been Sky Diving (not something I plan on doing)
( ) Seen the Cherry Blossoms in Washington , D.C.
(x) Played cops and robbers
( ) Flown a plane
( ) Owned a boat
( ) Watched grandchildren grow (watching my own children grow at the moment)
( ) Been to the Kentucky Derby
( ) Been to Key West
(x) Been to a rodeo (more times than I can count.)
(x) Sang Karaoke (yes...'nuff said)
(x) Paid for a meal with coins only?
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
(x) Made prank phone calls (
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) Danced in the rain (used to all the time as a kid)
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(x) Watched the sunrise with someone
( ) Seen the green flash at sunset
(x) Blown bubbles
(x) Gone ice-skating
(x) Gone to the movies (love movies)
( ) Owned a convertible
(x) Taken a day trip out of state (if you count going to vegas...then yes. or canada)

1. Any nickname? Mom, Angela,

2. Parent's names? Ken and Renee

3. Body piercing ? Ears

4. Loved your job? Yes

5. Birthplace? Eldorado, Illinois

6. Ever been to Hawaii ?

7. Ever been to Africa ?

8. Ever eaten just cookies for dinner? Yes

9. Ever been on TV? Yea.

10. Ever steal any traffic sign? No. Why would I want one?

11. Ever been in a car accident? Yes, several. Only one was my fault.

12. Drive a 2-door or 4-door vehicle? 4 Door

13. Favorite number. Don't really have one. All numbers are math and I hate math.

14. Favorite movie? I have several.

15. Favorite holiday? Halloween

16. Favorite dessert? Brownies or chocolate chip cookies fresh from the oven with a big glass of milk

17. Favorite burger joint? Don't really have one

18. Favorite food? Comfort food

19. Favorite day? Um....they all blur together...

20. Favorite Smell? SEveral....fresh mown grass, lilacs, rain...

21. How do you see yourself in 10 years? I dunno. It's hard to say.

22. Furthest place you will send this message? Cyberspace

BIG NEWS!

2009-09-10T23:59:00.003-06:00

I opened a store! Annie Kate & Co. is now open for business! I am excited! Hopefully I will be able to do well with it. I have long loved creating things, but have always given them away. Don't think I mind doing that, because I absolutely DON'T mind giving it away at all. But I was thinking one day....it costs me money to make it, so why can't I make some money FROM it? I have to admit, some one paid me for something I made one time and it did feel really good. Someone liked my stuff enough to pay for it! WOOT!

Here is the link to my store: Annie Kate & Co.. There is also a mini store in the sidebar. Some day I will have a blog just for the store, but it is gonna have to a day when I can actually sit down for a while to do it!

Lily Allen--LDN

2009-09-07T14:37:00.003-06:00

This is an older song, but I just found and I LOVE the beat that goes on. So happy. n The lyrics are not so happy though.

LDN by Lily Allen

Riding through the city on my bike all day
Cause the filth took away my license
It doesn't get me down and I feel OK
Cause the sights that I'm seeing are priceless

Everything seems to look as it should
But I wonder what goes on behind doors
A fella looking dapper, but he's sitting with a slapper
Then I see it's a pimp and his crack whore

You might laugh you might frown
Walkin' round London town

[Chorus]
Sun is in the sky oh why oh why ?
Would I wanna be anywhere else
Sun is in the sky oh why oh why ?
Would I wanna be anywhere else

When you look with your eyes
Everything seems nice
But if you look twice
you can see it's all lies

There was a little old lady, who was walking down the road
She was struggling with bags from Tesco
There were people from the city having lunch in the park
I believe that it's called al fresco
Then a kid came along to offer a hand

But before she had time to accept it
hits her over the head, doesn't care if she's dead
Cause he's got all her jewelery and wallet

You might laugh you might frown
walking round London town

[Chorus]
Sun is in the sky oh why oh why?
Would I wanna be anywhere else
Sun is in the sky oh why oh why?
Would I wanna be anywhere else

When you look with your eyes
Everything seems nice
But if you look twice
you can see it's all lies

Life, yeah that's city life, yeah that's city life, yeah that's city life
Life, yeah that's city life, yeah that's city life, yeah that's city life

[Chorus x2]
Sun is in the sky oh why oh why?
Would I wanna be anywhere else
Sun is in the sky oh why oh why?
Would I wanna be anywhere else

[x2]
When you look with your eyes
Everything seems nice
But if you look twice
You can see it's all lies

Serious Update Time

2009-08-17T23:16:00.002-06:00

So. I've been a slacker. So this might be a long one.

August 5th my honey and I celebrated 10 years of marriage. All I can say is that some days, it feels like 100. :) Even though we have had our ups and downs, he has stuck through it all with me. He puts up with my tempers and my changeable moods, gets mad on my behalf, and is an all around great guy. I love you Honey!

August 7 we went to Lagoon with my honey's (ours, really) family. His sis and her kids, his brother and his wife and kids, and his mom and dad. Little Miss had desperately wanted to go there for her birthday, but we just didn't have the money. Grandpa surprised us with a trip there. Since it was a few days before Little Miss' b-day...it was kinda for that, but mainly for all the family that could to get together. Little Miss almost DIED on the Sky Coaster thing....the one like ski lifts that goes over the park. Well, to this Momma it was almost dying. Me and Mr. got on first while Hubby and our nephew were riding Wicked. So me and Mr. got on first, and my sis in law was getting on next with her Little Darling and my Little Miss. Next thing I hear is my father in law yelling "HEY HEY HEY!" and I look back to see Little Miss DANGLING about 6 feet off the ground and my SIL trying to pull her in and trying to keep her daughter from falling out. Little Miss didn't quite make it in and the thing just kept going and the girls that run the ride weren't paying ANY attention at all until my mother in law yelled at them to pay attention! It was very scary. I wrote a strongly worded letter to Lagoon and have not as yet heard back from them. Someone apparently in management told my mother in law that Lagoon has more complaints and lawsuits over that ride than any other. HELLO!!!!

August 9 was Little Miss' 6th b-day. She is growing up so fast. Going to be in 1st grade....I can't believe it. She is my sweet sweet girl. I can't imagine my life without her. There are many times that she tries my patience, to put it mildly. I love her SO much. (On a side note, 6 years ago today, when Little Miss was 8 days old, I had to have emergency surgery to have my gall bladder removed. I don't recommend it.)

School starts here in 1 week! HOORAY! I can't wait for the kids to get back into school, get into a routine. This summer we have had lots of fun and managed to do several things that were on our list, but I am glad it's over. It will be nice to have the house to just us during the day so we can actually maybe get some things done. I will miss them during the day, but it will be good for them and me. I don't think my sanity could take much more summer!

Mr. will have to go in for surgery at some point within the next few weeks, I am sure. (This post tells more about it.) Last Thursday we went in to the urologist so that we could get this taken care of, and it is so much worse than I even thought originally. The doctor couldn't find anything AT ALL, and said that according to the ultrasound we had in St. George that they weren't showing anything either. So this means that very possibly his testes are still up in his abdomen and that he had never fully developed that area when I was expecting him. This means a MUCH more invasive surgery and recuperation time. They may have to pretty much open up his stomach to see where they are at and then pull them down if they can. His chances for having children are still very low, if he can have them at all, and chances for cancer are still very high. We have been referred to Primary Childrens Hospital in SLC for this. The urologist here doesn't feel comfortable doing surgery on him when he can't even FEEL them to begin with. So we will see. Right now, too many prayers could never be enough.

And finally, one last thing...my brother in law has had 2 cd's published? (is that the right word?) with Covenant Communications, and we are SO very proud of him. The first one, called "Thou Shalt be Nice!" can be gotten here.

His 2nd CD, called "Real Life", can be purchased here.

Go buy them both right now! :)

Summer Break, Part Deux

2009-07-20T22:56:00.002-06:00

Hard to believe, but my kiddoes will be going back to school in about a month.

I knew I would find it hard to believe. And I also knew I would ask this question: "Where has the summer gone?"

I do have to say though, as much as I love love LOVE my kids, I am so so SO ready for school to start back up. They have gotten bored, I think, and the fighting is a lot more rampant these days. I wish we could have done some more stuff with them, but financial and work constraints have a nice way of putting a damper on things.

We did get to go to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple Open House. That was VERY cool and hopefully the kids will remember that for a long time.

We have also gone to Bear Lake. Once.

We haven't made it to St. George. Probably won't. Nor have we made it to The Clark Planetarium. We still might.

I can't believe how fast time flies once you have kids. I can remember as a teenager school and EVERYTHING took forever. 4-EVAH!!!! Now that I have cute kiddoes of my own, time can't go slow enough.

Thorns

2009-07-14T16:41:00.002-06:00

"Twas but one day
among the thorns
but one day was
one too many.

Stats

2009-07-06T13:00:00.001-06:00

These are the stats that I have been thinking of a lot right now.

730--Days since I last saw my dad.
17,520--Hours since I last saw my dad.
104--Weeks since I last saw my dad.
Countless tears, since I last saw my dad.

I miss him SO much. July 6, 2009 marks two years. Two years....2 yrs...no matter how I write it, it's still TWO YEARS.

I love you, Dad. I hope you have a great day.

Wow.....

2009-06-25T16:52:00.003-06:00

Today, according to numerous news outlets, Michael Jackson has passed away.

MICHAEL JACKSON has reportedly died after suffering a heart attack.

According to the LA Times Los Angeles City and Law Enforcement Services have confirmed that the King Of Pop has died.

TMZ first reported that the superstar had suffered cardiac arrest at his home earlier today.

According to the report he was seen being loaded into an ambulance just after 2pm, LA time.

Captain Steve Ruda, of the Los Angeles Fire Department, then confirmed to the LA Times that paramedics responded to a call at Jackson's home around 12.26pm. He was not breathing when they arrived.

The paramedics performed CPR and took Jackson to UCLA Medical Centre.

Once at the hospital, staff tried to resuscitate him but he was said to be completely unresponsive, according to TMZ.

Sister LATOYA was reportedly seen running into the hospital sobbing.

The singer was due to start the first of 50 dates at the O2 arena in London on July 13.

A spokeswoman for The Outside Organisation, who are organising the publicity for Jackson's UK concerts, said she had no comment at this time.

I honestly don't know what to say. His songs were the songs of an entire generation...ask any kid who grew up in the 80's about The King of Pop and they could tell not only who he was, but name numerous songs and probably do at least part of the "Thriller" dance.

Farrah Fawcett has also passed away today, losing her battle with cancer. Ed McMahon also has passed away this week.

Daydream Believer.........Literally!

2009-06-23T20:36:00.002-06:00

Yet another funny video that I have found in my YouTube travels. There are several different people that do these types of videos....they take old videos and create new ones with the same video but the words changed to actually reflect what's going on in the video. It's kinda hard to explain, so you have to see it for yourself. The "Total Eclipse of the Heart" video is my favorite, I think.

Happy Father's Day, Dad

2009-06-21T00:38:00.001-06:00

It's my 2nd Father's Day without you.

So far, it's been just as hard as the first.

I miss you.

Totally sucks that this year my birthday fell on one of the days that I think of you the most.

Summer Break

2009-06-05T17:42:00.004-06:00

Seriously, where does the time go! It feels like I had just posted but it's been awhile.

Yesterday was my grandpa's birthday. (You can read about him here.) I really miss my grandpa. I miss everyone I have lost. There are some that I miss more than others. I really miss my dad. I really miss my grandpa. I really miss my grandma.

Tomorrow is my mom's birthday. I won't tell you how old she is because she would seriously probably try to put me over her knee lol, but lets just say that it is NOT 38 like she told my kiddos. Hopefully we can get a chance to see her again soon.

As of yesterday, both of my kids are out of school for summer. I am already looking forward to school starting up again lol. Don't get me wrong, I love having my babies home. I am just not looking forward to the constant "I'm Bored!" and kids in and out a million times a day. Some days I swear my door is a revolving one....you know the kind that goes in a circle?

Yeah. Kids in and out and out and in. We have got some fun summer activities planned with the kids this year, so hopefully that will help break up the monotony for them some. We are planning hikes, camping, going to a temple open house, going to the Clark Planetarium. We would like to go down to St. George at least once and I would really like to try and get back to MT to see my momma, but who knows if that will be able to happen. We would also really like to take the FrontRunner from Ogden down to Salt Lake. We are doing a weekly movie date with some friends. I know before I know it school will be back in session and I will be going "Where did the summer go?!"

I am also set to start school the day after my birthday this year. I have enrolled at Stephens Henegar College for their Graphic Arts Program. The main reason I chose them is because 90% of the course is online, which will be good for me. There are some classes that I will have to go to campus for, but there is one here in Logan so that won't be too bad. I will also get a free laptop that is mine to keep once I graduate from the program, so that will be nice. I am excited. I need to do something to help out financially, but I can't do a boring sit at a desk job with lots of numbers or something in the medical field. I have to do something creative. I think this will work for me.

Randon and I also both got small raises at work, so that is nice. Every little bit helps! Randon desperately wants to go back to school and get his bachelors. I hope we can find something that will work!

Work It Through the Pain, Work It Through the Pain

2009-05-24T13:48:00.001-06:00

This is seriously the funniest thing I have seen in a long time!

LOVESIT!

Jon and Kate plus alimony?

2009-05-13T22:48:00.002-06:00

So, the word is that the marriage of TLC stars Jon and Kate Gosselin may be over. This is sad news. I have enjoyed watching them through the years and I think that their kids, especially the six little ones, are cuter than I don't know what.

Honestly though, I have to say that I am not surprised. I am sure that living a life in the spotlight like they do puts a tremendous strain on a marriage, not to mention the fact that Kate seems to have become ever more popular and touring the country while Jon stays at home and babysits. Add to this the fact that, according to what we see on TV and what has been printed, Kate can be very belittling to Jon and doesn't seem to be very patient with him. I am sure there are many many aspects of their marriage and relationship that we DON'T see, but from what is shown, I am not surprised that the marriage may be on the rocks.

I hope that they can work through their problems, if not for their sake, then for their children.

Happy Mother's Day!

2009-05-10T19:17:00.001-06:00

To all my friends, family, and loved ones!

Rudeness has no age limit

2009-04-28T20:55:00.005-06:00

Ok, so this is just a rant. Proceed with caution...

I work at a craft store. I LOVE my job. Love, love, LOVE. I am a Front End Supervisor, which basically means that I am one of the 4 people that is pretty much in charge of the registers, other cashiers, etc., while I am there. A big part of my job is to provide customer service. Basically, that is my job. So, it is really hard for me to do MY job and provide YOU with customer service..i.e. ring up your purchases--when you are on the phone.

Maybe I am old fashioned, but I find it SO VERY rude when someone is in my line, and I am waiting on them, and they are on the phone. They can't be bothered to at least ask the person to wait a few moments, or "Can I call you back?" to show me the same courtesy and attention that I am giving them. And while I will say that the majority of the people that do this are younger, there are older ones that do it too. It drives me NUTS. Batty. BONKERS. There is just no reason for rudeness, and I think that is one of the top most rude things you can do.

Ok. I feel better.

Andy Warhol, Eat Your Heart Out!!!

2009-04-13T20:56:00.002-06:00

This weekend we went to a family gathering for Easter, and also to go to my grandmother-in-law's funeral. As we were getting ready to leave Saratoga Springs, my bro-in-law Hank asks his wife, Sara, if she told what one of their neighbors had said about a painting I did for Sara for Christmas a few years ago.

So this neighbor was visiting Sara, and happened to notice this painting that I did for Sara of sunflowers. Sara LOVES sunflowers. The lady starts gushing about the painting, saying how much she loved it, how awesome it was, etc. She asked Sara where she got it because she wanted to go and get one, she apparently loved it that much. Sara goes, "Well, my sister in law gave it to me for Christmas a few years ago. She painted it."

I guess the lady liked it and couldn't believe that I had painted it. She thought it came from a store or something. I have to admit, that made me feel GOOD. Nothing like some validation on your art. Honestly, I was excited about it, it was the first one I had ever done, and I thought it turned out pretty good. But I honestly didn't think it was something to get THAT excited about.

Thanks Sara, for making my day!

Happy Birthday Dad...

2009-03-26T16:51:00.001-06:00

I hope you had a good day. I miss you. Happy Birthday.

Ooops he did it again!

2009-03-21T21:28:00.000-06:00

So have you ever heard that saying "It rains when it pours"? Right now at our house it's flood season.

Randon's hours have been cut again. My hours are few....max of about 6 a week. Randon's wages have been garnished and they take 25% of his paycheck. We don't see over half of his paycheck every week. The other goes to pay bills.

And then to top it off, yesterday Randon was in a car accident. Now the front end of the car is smushed and the headlight on the passenger side is broke. Well, the lamp is still intact, but the headlight cover is broke. The hood is smushed. I don't know how we are gonna pay for that on top of everything else we don't have money for.

I am just grateful no one was hurt. It was Randon's fault, but the other vehicle's owner isn't going to turn it into insurance because there wasn't any damage to his vehicle, so that's a small blessing.

Sometimes I wonder how much more of things going wrong I can take. We are always told that God never gives us more than we can handle, but I am seriously just about at my wits end. It seems like no matter how hard we are trying to do what is right, or make a living, it never works out. I get so tired of struggling for every red cent we get.

Tag! I'm it!

2009-02-26T22:52:00.000-07:00

Here are the rules: 1) Post rules on your blog 2) Answer the six '8' items 3) Let each person know by leaving them a comment.

8 favorite TV shows:

1. Supernatural
2. Paranormal State
3. Biggest Loser
4. A Haunting
5. How It's Made
6. Ace of Cakes
7. Food Network Challenge
8. Can't think of another one

8 Things I did yesterday:

1. Went to work
2. Came home early
3. Slept
4. Went to a Mary Kay Party
5. Slept some more
6. Laundry
7. Borrowed a friends van..
8. Brought said friend Dreyers Samoas ice cream..

8 Things I'm looking forward to:

1. Swimming....water....swimming
2. SPRING SPRING SPRING
3. Lawn mowers going
4. Seeing my mom..
5. Getting well mentally
6. Having my business take off
7. Kids getting along
8. Getting out of debt 100%

8 favorite restaurants:

1. Olive Garden
2. Mom's cooking
3. Chilis
4. Applebees
5. Iggy's
6. Bluebird Cafe
7. Cracker Barrel
8. Dunno

8 Things on my wish list:

1. Healthy children
2. Understanding
3. To be the best mom and wife
4. To go to Ireland
5. To come to terms with things that I have no control over
6. To be able to help Others
7. To have a house someday
8. To be the kind of friend that people deserve to have

8 people I tag:

1. I don't know
2. anyone who wants to
3. don't know if anyone
4. even reads my blog
5. so whoever wants to
6. can do this little thing
7. just leave me a comment please
8. so i can come read them!

Hello Starshine...the earth says HELLO!

2009-02-09T12:28:00.000-07:00

Words....I LOVE them. Quotes, big important sounding but not really important words, song lyrics, definitions....I am not picky. I think it comes from my long time desire to be an author.

Recently I ran into a lovely quote by Roald Dahl. It's up there, right above.

I am gonna try and find the magic in something EVERYDAY.

Fight FoCA

2009-01-17T13:03:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know, President-Elect Barack Obama recently gave a speech where he said that the first thing he would do in office is to sign the Freedom of Choice Act.

What is the Freedom of Choice Act? Let me tell you.

This is an act that would remove EVERY RESTRICTION on abortion nationwide. EVERY RESTRICTION. So that 14 year old girls who get pregnant can go into an abortion clinic and get an abortion WITHOUT parental consent.

It will also eradicate the requirement that women be informed of the risks associated with getting an abortion.

It would eliminate bans on Partial Birth abortions. (If you are unfamiliar with Partial Birth Abortions here is an excellent brief visual description.)

It would make it so that hospitals HAVE TO, by LAW, allow babies to die and not intervent medically if the babies lived through a botched abortion. Even if it goes against everything that these hospitals may believe in (such as religious hospitals.)(Here is another post on these heinous acts.)

This is wrong. SO wrong. He wants to make murder legal. And YES, it is MURDER if you are having an abortion just for the sake of not wanting a child. Babies have a heartbeat before most women know they are pregnant, at approximately 4 weeks gestational age. They are developing organs and some organs may begin to function at this point. If a heartbeat isn't an indicator of life, well, then, I don't know what to think. Since when is it OK to end the life of a living human (outside of necessary medical means)?.

Everyone goes on about "the woman's choice." What about the baby's choice? I would guarantee that the baby would choose to live. In my opinion the woman lost her right to choose when she chose to have unprotected sex. There are always other options, such as adoption. (Please note that in the event of a rape that I think that is an extenuating circumstance, but again....there is always adoption.)

I feel very strongly about this. I urge you to fight The Freedom of Choice Act. Please, for the babies sakes, do NOT let Obama sign this into legislation.

Fight FoCA

Supermassive Black Hole

2009-01-13T10:43:00.000-07:00

I LOVE this song. LOVE this band. It's from Twilight, the baseball game scene. The actual video for this one is seriously tweaked, so I had to find another version of it.

If you want to see the other version of the video, go here. I actually prefer this version of it, it's a little bit more bass heavy and I like it.

Supermassive Black Hole by Muse

Oh baby don't you know I suffer?
Oh baby can't you hear me moan?
You caught me under false pretences
How long before you let me go?

Oooh...You set my soul alight
Oooh...You set my soul alight

(oooh...You set my soul alight)
Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive

(oooh...You set my soul alight)
Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive

I thought I was a fool for no-one
Oh baby I'm a fool for you
You're the queen of the superficial
And how long before you tell the truth

Oooh...You set my soul alight
Oooh...You set my soul alight

(oooh...You set my soul alight)
Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive

(oooh...You set my soul alight)
Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive
(sucked into the supermassive)

Supermassive black hole
Supermassive black hole
Supermassive black hole
Supermassive black hole

Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive

Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive

(oooh...You set my soul alight)
Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive

(oooh...You set my soul)
Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive

Supermassive black hole
Supermassive black hole
Supermassive black hole
Supermassive black hole

New Year

2009-01-06T10:19:00.000-07:00

A new year has already started and we are already 6 days into it. My how the time does fly. Christmas was good for our family. The kids made out like bandits...I had managed to get Randon a few things. I didn't have anything to open on Christmas so Nolen, sweet boy that he is, wrapped up a art project he had done so I would have something to open...he felt so bad that I didn't. He is so cute.

Christmas day I had called my mom and sister to tell them Merry Christmas and my mom asked if I had talked to my sister yet or my niece, that they had something they wanted to tell me. So I called my sister and she goes "I've got some bad news." Instantly the worst things popped into my mind....something had happened to her or one of the kids. Thank goodness it wasn't that, but it was bad. My dad's dog died on Christmas Eve. He had gotten hit by a car. Brandy had let the dogs run at night because it has been so cold, so they stay in the garage during the day and she would let them run at night. A busy highway runs right in front of the house, and Shep had gotten hit by a car. I don't know if he was on the highway or what, or where he was, but Brandy said the dog catcher came up on Christmas Day and had him and said he had passed away. Poor Shep....my niece was very upset, as were my kids and me. It felt a little bit like Dad dying all over again. Shep was all we had left of him.

Dragonflies

2008-12-11T10:50:00.000-07:00

This holiday season marks the second one without my dad. I miss him so much. The other day I was talking to a friend and I just started crying, missing him so much. I haven't cried for awhile over his loss. I can't believe it has been as long as it has.

After my dad passed away we had a yard sale. We needed money to pay for his funeral, and the easiest thing we could think of was a yard sale. The first day of the yard sale a blue dragonfly flew into the garage and just sat there all day. I still can't explain it, but both my mom and I just "knew" it was my dad. My dad's eyes were blue...the dragonfly was STUBBORN, just like my dad. We had tried to get it to go out of the garage and it wouldn't move. It sat in the same spot all day. I was comforted by the presence of this bug....I don't know why, but I just was. I just felt like my dad was there watching over us, making sure we were ok.

In February of 2008 I went from Great Falls to St. George to see my dearest friend in the world. While I was there we went and got tattoos together. I wanted something as a sort of remembrance tat for my dad, and I also wanted to incorporate something about my grandfather and grandmother in there as well. I miss them all so much. My grandfather passed away as the result of a car accident in October of 2000, and my grandmother died suddenly (we still aren't sure of the cause of death) June of 2003. I needed something for me to look at and have a tangible reminder of these three people who I love and miss SO much. So I got a dragonfly tattoo. The blue body represents my dad, which is blue. Blue for his eyes and also, as it happens, close to his birthstone color. The wings are purple and white, purple for my grandfather's birthstone (June) and white for my grandmother's (April). The tattoo is on the inside of my wrist where I can see it everyday. I have had many comments on it...all mostly positive. The negative ones aren't really NEGATIVE, just more along the lines of "Why would you do that?". The dragonfly marks my third one. All of them have meaning to me. But my favorite is my dragonfly.

E is for Efron...

2008-11-24T21:45:00.000-07:00

Annie was learning about the letter "E" in school the other day and had to think of things that started with the letter "E". On her worksheet she had two pictures on her paper and then then she had to draw two pictures of things that started with the letter "E". There was a picture of an elevator and and elephant and then she drew a picture of an egg. As I was looking at the last picture I couldn't really figure it out. It was a picture of a stick figure. Well, a stick boy. Until I looked at the word under neath the picture did I get the picture. It was a picture of "Efron", as in Zac Efron, of High School Musical fame. She LOVES him. Seriously LOVES him. But beyond that, I was just floored that she could connect "Efron" with "E".

I do have to say though, she does know how to pick them.

Dreams Really Do Come True...

2008-11-17T10:28:00.000-07:00

I went to my concert on Saturday. All I can saw is WOW. It was AWESOME. I totally freaked out. Cried. Couldn't believe I was there. STILL can't believe I was there. Every single one of them looked beyond amazing. HAWT with a capital H A W T. All I can say is WOW WOW WOW. Truly the experience of a lifetime. I will never forget it nor can I ever thank Colleen and Shawn enough for helping my childhood dream come true. For a few hours, I was 13 again, and I loved it.

And yes, they danced. Oh, did they dance.

In little more than 48 hours.....

2008-11-13T10:21:00.000-07:00

I will be sitting at the E Center with my dearest friend in the whole wide world jamming out to these hotties:

Although now, they are much hotter:

I am so stinking excited it isn't even funny. This is seriously a dream come true for me. I have been giddy all week and keep geeking out over it. I CAN'T WAIT to see them dance.

I totally want to scream right now.

Welcome to the Ward, Brother Smith!

2008-11-03T10:33:00.000-07:00

Saturday my son got baptized. He was so excited! We were sitting there waiting for his Uncle Hank to get done with his talk, and my Dear Boy goes "Oh! I am so excited I think I am going to faint!" He had to get dunked FOUR times because he kept trying to go swimming or something....it was fun. He was so excited and did so good. I can't believe he is 8.

The next day in Sacrament he was called up by our bishop as the newest member of the ward. The bishop had to tell him that it was ok for him to go sit down a few times cause he just kept standing there. He is so silly. As I was sitting there, I was thinking about his life and how fast time has goen by. And another interesting note...he was baptized on November 1, 2008. He was blessed on November 2, 2000. 8 years almost to the day. Thankfully, his baptism went smoothly. When he was blessed he cried the entire time...plus my grandfather and a younger cousin of mine had both just been in an accident a few days before and had both died as a result of the accident, so I was a mess beyond the usual.

I also have a new calling at church. I am the Enrichment Leader for the Meadows 1st Ward. I really am excited but it's a big calling. That's ok though...I think I can handle it.

For Cindy-tha....

2008-10-15T15:11:00.000-06:00

I am here if you wanna talk. Anytime.

Better Days by Faith Hill

Hard times are fallin' on you
Even when you smile I see the hurt come through
And I know it feels like it's never gonna end
You say nothin's been right for a long time
And every step you take is an uphill climb
I see you're reachin' out
So let me tell you friend that

Better days are comin' around
I know you feel like
The whole world's gone and let you down but
Better days they're comin' for you
I know they will
'Cause I'll be right here makin' sure they do

And if your sky ain't lookin' the fairest
There ain't no reason to be embarrassed
Ain't nobody in the world ain't felt
The rain from time to time
And just when you think it's all over and done
The night get easier one by one
So take my hand and hold on tight
And soon you're gonna find that

Better days are comin' around
I know you feel like
The whole world's gone and let you down but
Better days they're comin' for you
I know they will
'Cause I'll be right here makin' sure they do

I know what it's like
To have to face the fight
But I won't let you stand alone, no

Better days are comin' for you
I know it feels like
The whole world's gone and let you down but
Better days they're comin' for you
I know they will
'Cause I'll be right here makin' sure they do

Oh, better days
I know, I know, I know
The whole world's gone and let you down
Better days are comin' for you
I know they will

There Aren't Enough Words...

2008-10-08T10:41:00.000-06:00

To express my dismay, my disgust, my heartbreak.

I would have loved those babies. Each and every one. There are not many people that know this, but we have been trying for another child for several years now. I see babies and I long to hold them in my arms. Long for that sweet smell and the tiny toes...and every negative pregnancy test is just another barb to my mother's heart. Don't get me wrong...I absolutely adore the two that I have and am content with them...but every once in a while I get the feeling that there are more children that were meant to come to our family. I have a friend that longs to be a mother and hasn't been able to fulfill that dream as of yet. I bet she would have loved those babies too. Or the friend I have that can't have any more children biologically and have decided to adopt...they would love those babies as well.

I can go on and on...but I won't. But I cannot, in good conscience, vote into office a man that would condone the murdering and abandonment of babies just because their moms didn't want them and the first attempt to kill them (abortion) didn't work. Every one always says "The MOTHER has the right to choose." Well, what about the baby's right to choose?

Memories Are Made of This...

2008-10-06T10:36:00.000-06:00

Last night...a conversation with my daughter.....

Annie: Mom?
Me: What?
A: Guess who's my best brother?
M: Who? (playing along)
A: Guess!
M: Nolen? (never mind that he is her ONLY brother)
A: Yes!!

A minute later.....

A: Mom?
M: What?
A: Guess who's my best friend?
M: Nolen?
A: Yes!! Wow, Mom, you're really good at this game!

I love that.

I Get These Willy Nilly Ideas......

2008-09-29T10:35:00.000-06:00

And sometimes I act before I think.

I do think that maybe, in this case, it might be ok though.

Three big things happened on Friday.

1. I took an "aptitude" test for the local beauty college and scored a 90%. I start in January.

2. After the test, I threw all caution to the wind and got a haircut. Not just a trim. A HAIRCUT. Just one hair. Just kidding. It's short. Chopped it off. Cut off over 12 inches and donated it to Locks of Love. Hopefully some kid likes mousy brown hair.

3. We had a tire mishap on I-15 near 90th South in SLC. Could have been a LOT worse than it was, considering we were in the toll lane and had to ILLEGALLY get OUT of the toll lane to get off the freeway. Honestly, we were very VERY blessed that it wasn't worse than it was. Could have been SO much worse. Thank you, Heavenly Father, that it wasn't.

A Video Worth Watching

2008-09-17T10:42:00.000-06:00

I don't need to say much more than that.

A Dream Fulfilled!

2008-09-10T10:55:00.000-06:00

Ok, so do you remember this post I did a while back? Well....they are having a show in Salt Lake City in November. The other day I get a text message from my friend Colleen (Gawsh I LOVE this girl! She is so much more than just a friend!) and she is like, you need to come to Salt Lake on Nov. 15, it's a Saturday. I'm like Ok, why. She says she has something for us to do that day in the city.

GUESS WHAT SHE DID! She went online and BOUGHT us tickets to go see the New Kids! I am SO totally bugging here! Like, BUGGING! I can't believe she did that! She thinks they are dumb...but she is willing to go see them and even surprised me with tix because she knows I love them.

I can't wait till November!

An eventful first week in Logan

2008-08-30T10:19:00.000-06:00

Our first week in Logan has passed, not uneventfully, I might add. The first night we were here, I was talking to a neighbor gal and one of her kids came up and asked if we were going to move again. I made the comment that No, I was NEVER going to move again because I was so sick of it and the only way I would be moving from the place we were at was if I was taken away in a hearse. The neighbor gasped, and said "The last guy that lived there DID get taken away in a hearse!" WHOOPS. Unfortunately, he had taken his own life after his wife left him.

And then, on Wednesday, I think it was, Sweet Boy had a friend that wanted to come over. I said that since I didn't know this little boys mom and she didn't know me that it was probably not a good idea but I gave him our address and phone number to pass along to his mom so that we could talk and arrange for the boys to play. Well, about an hour and a half after school let out the school calls, wondering if we have seen this little boy. He never made it home. A little while later the school calls back and says the police are there and want to talk to Sweet Boy about his friend. So now I am kinda freaking out because we were the last ones that saw this little boy and now he is missing. FINALLY, at around 6:30...THREE HOURS after school got out this little boys mom calls and says that he has been found. I was so relieved. Sweet Boy had been worried too and was glad that his little friend was found.

Fast forward to Thursday...Darling Girl is outside playing with her friends. I am in the midst of unpacking some boxes and all of a sudden hear a shriek and intense crying. I fly down the stairs to see what the matter is and she has been stung several times by a wasp. There are TONS of wasps and hornets around here, and lots around our house. They make their nests in the eaves and inbetween the siding and the house. I panic, because I am allergic to them and I don't know if the kids are or not. So we tear off to the emergency room and we get in there and she has been stung 3 times and is having an allergic reaction. They gave her some meds and watched her for a while to make sure she didn't go into anaphalactic (sp?) shock. I am urged to purchase at least 3 Epi-Pens and have them available at all times. (Ok, seriously...those things are $90 each! NO way I can afford those!) Anyway, it turns out that she is in fact allergic, thanks to mom haha, and they are fairly certain that Sweet Boy would be as well.

Whooda thunk that our first week in the beatiful Cache Valley would be filled with such, mayhem, intrique, panic-y moms, bitten nails, missing children, etc.?

Can't wait to see what next week brings.

Finally, after much wailing and gnashing of teeth....

2008-08-22T14:10:00.000-06:00

We have found a place to live in Lovely Logan. We were hoping to be in Superb Smithfield, but Lovely Logan is great too. My in-laws, wonderful people that they are, found it for us and signed a lease before we looked at it. My mother in law was so worried about that, but I told her not to worry. I was just grateful we have a place to live. It's about 2 blocks from the kids school and maybe 5 from church and almost smack dab in the middle of Michaels and Albertsons. We will be there for a year. My Sweet Boy and Darling Girl are both registered for school, and start on Monday. I can't believe my girl will be in Kindergarten! My boy will be in 2nd....my the time does fly!

Wonderful Husband has also started work and I am slated to start in a week or so. It will depend on Wonderful Husbands work schedule though, and so far his boss isn't being very helpful in that department. Oh well....he will come around. I will MAKE him see the light haha.

So far Logan seems to be a great place. We have met some wonderful neighbors already and I LOVE seeing the brown and green of the mountains...reminds me so much of my Montana home. It is a change though, from the red rock of Southern Utah, which we miss as well. St. George was home for us, but unfortunately it is not cheap to live there. But we feel like Logan can be home for us as well. The kids enjoy being able to play outside without running the risk of getting heat stroke, I can leave my windows open during the day and at night it cools off SO delightfully. We are slowly getting settled..we have been driving around a lot getting to know our new home.

I also had the opportunity this week to re-connect with a cherished, dear dear friend of mine. She was one of the bridesmaids at my wedding nine years ago, and unfortunately, due to distance and finances, haven't been able to see her in those nine years. She and her husband have recently moved to Taylorsville, and we got the chance to get together and reminisce and laugh. It was SO good to see her. My other bridesmaid is moving to South Jordan soon as well, so it will be good to see her as well.

Life is good.

A Five Year Old War

2008-08-12T14:07:00.000-06:00

So last week was our 9 year anniversary. Sometimes it feels more like 90, or 900, maybe even 9,000. But I married a good man that doesn't give himself enough credit. He is his own toughest critic. But he is a GOOD daddy and a good husband and a hard worker that tries to do everything he can to provide for us. I love you, honey.

Last week was also my friend Colleen's wedding. SO glad that is over. She looked so beautiful and happy. Right now they are in Hawaii for their honeymoon, lucky ducks. One of these days we may get a honeymoon...we never did.

Saturday was my sweet Annie's 5th birthday. She is growing up so fast. 5, going on 17. I kid you not. I love her so much and more and more every day. I am so grateful that she chose me to be her mommy.

As I was thinking about her birthday, I got to thinking about the war in Iraq. Our country went to war when I was approximately 4 and a half months pregnant with my sweet girl. I realized that as long as she has been alive, there has been a war going on. It made me very sad to know that her whole life our country has been at war. I am grateful though, that we have been able to keep most of it away from our kids, but they are not completely insulated. They DO know that there is something going on and that people, even children, have died. They realize that there are so many kids and families whose mommies and daddies aren't at home with them. I hope they can appreciate that they are so very lucky that they are able to have both their mom and dad home with them.

Please Be Gentle

2008-08-03T15:37:00.000-06:00

This is a poem that I found on another blog, and it really spoke to me. I still struggle everyday with my dad's death. There were so many thing left unfinished, unresolved. It was so sudden, so unexpected, so heart-wrenching....I don't know, honestly, if I will EVER get over it. I still find myself talking about him to complete strangers...spilling the story. I know that at some point I will be at peace with him being gone...bit right now, it's still very fresh and painful, and it's been over a year. Almost 13 months.

Please Be Gentle
By Jill B. Englar

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream
and repeatedly ask 'why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,
so great is my loss.
Please don’t turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?

Nails

2008-08-02T18:07:00.000-06:00

Of the acrylic kind...were bought today and put on my hands by Steve, a very thorough and quick young man who had very pretty brown eyes (that was all I saw above the mask).

i have never had acrylic nails. NEVER. I got them for the upcoming wedding of my dearest fried, Colleen. I figured this is probably the only time I will ever get to be a bridesmaid, so I might as well do it right.

So $35 (OUCH!) later I have a lovely square tipped French manicure. I have always loved how elegant and feminine nails, and especially French manicures, look. But I am a nail biter so I resigned myself to never having lovely nails. I hope I can keep from biting these haha. I really wanted round tips, I love those, but I was assured that square looks better and is more "in" that round.

I have to say, I do love the little clacky noises my fingers make now. I may have to get used to them cause I think I could really like them. REALLY like them.

Into the Ocean

2008-07-19T20:35:00.001-06:00

Another one of my new favorites..."Into the Ocean" by Blue October. Lyrics, as usual, follow. There's just something about a guy in guyliner that sends shivers down my spine...

"Into The Ocean"
BLUE OCTOBER

I'm just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I'd rather swim ashore

Without a life vest I'd be stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like 'fourteen miles away'

Now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be
be

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
the jetsam sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow (yeah)
Just to prove that I knew how (yeah)
It's midnight's late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
Set front row in my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
into the ocean...end it all

[Zayra]
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion (yeah)
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(In to space)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(I thought of just your face)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

Dirt

2008-07-11T15:25:00.000-06:00

A year ago today we put my dad in a hole, covered him up with dirt, and wet the ground with our tears.

Dear Dad,

2008-07-06T09:54:00.000-06:00

Wow. It's been a year. A YEAR! I go back and forth between thinking it's been a lifetime, or just a few short moments. I miss you so much.

I hope you are happy there, in Heaven. Well, I know you are. Just think, no more pain, heartache...you have all the horses and dogs and things that aren't good for you that you want. An endless supply of cheese danishes and german chocolate cake and coconut cream pie. No green vegetables, cause you wouldn't eat them anyway. I would give anything to make you one more german chocolate cake just to hear you say "German Chocolate! My favorite! How did you know!" I always knew. I'll always know. I would give anything just to hear your voice.

The kids talk about you all the time, and still (Annie especially) break down in tears, seemingly for no reason. When I ask why, it's usually always the same answer. "I want Papo!" I want you too. I wasn't ready to give up my gardener, my mechanic. I wasn't done being your barber (although a bad one.) I wasn't ready to lose my dad. I wasn't ready for YOU to be gone. I'm still not, and it's been a year.

A year. A year full of pain. Heartache. A year full of intense, gasping-for-air sobs that leave me spent and lying on the floor. Or the bed. Or the couch. A year spent trying to hide my tears and pain from those around me so they wouldn't ask why I am crying and start the tears all over again.

I know that you are happy and content and watching. I KNOW that. I know you wouldn't want us to be sad. It's always hell for the ones left behind though. It's a lot easier said than done to be over something like losing a part of yourself. I've joined that group of people that have lost a parent. There are a lot of us. It's not an elite group by any means. But it is a hard group to be in. I didn't want to gain membership in the way I did. Although technically, I guess I did years ago when Cliff died. I never really counted him as my dad though...he didn't want to be. YOU did. YOU are, and always will be, my dad. Your death has affected me so much more than his ever did.

Do you remember teaching me how to take care of Atreyu? How much to feed him, how to clean his hooves? How to put the bridle on and the lead rope and hope he would follow? I hope that he is there with you. I hope all your horses are. I hope that Sassy and Totem and Buck and Chip were waiting for you, wagging their tails and jumping up and down waiting for you to pet their heads and say hello. Shep misses you as much as we all do. I don't think he waits for you anymore though....he would watch, and wait for months after. Everytime a truck would drive by that sounded like yours he would look. We all did, thinking it was all a bad dream. Expecting you to knock on the door once and walk in. For months after I would go into your closet and smell your clothes, the ones that you wore to my wedding. You didn't wear them often, but they smelled like you. The day they didn't smell like you anymore I cried and cried and cried.

I wish you were here, Dad. I can't say it enough. I wish you were here. I wish I could call you or you call me, just to talk. Just to say hi. See how things are going. I wish I could help you with the computer because you weren't too comfortable with it. I can still see you sitting there, trying to see the screen with your glasses on the end of your nose, tapping the keys with one finger. Fidgeting, because you couldn't sit for very long without hurting. It used to annoy me SO much how you would always always ALWAYS turn on a football game, then almost immediately go to sleep in the chair. You could be snoring, and as soon as we would turn the channel you would wake up and yell at us for turning the channel. I would gladly sit through a football game if I could see you again. Just once.

But honestly, once wouldn't be enough. I would always want one more chance to see you.

Say hello to Papa and Mama for me. They always did like you. I hope that you three have gotten to have some good conversations. I miss them too. There are so many many people that I miss, but I miss you three the most. I know that I will get to see you all soon, but I do hope not too soon. I have two precious angels to raise. They need their mom, and as much as I need to see you, Dad, I need them more. They miss you too...I know I told you that already. But they do. Brandy, I don't know about. She doesn't talk about you. She takes her pain and holds it close to her and wraps herself in it. Maybe it hurts her to much to talk about you....it hurts me to much NOT too. I hope that maybe people can know you through the stories I tell them about you. It hurts me that your grandkids, although they have their memories of you, will basically have to grow up without you. Kendra and Savannah have a hard time, I think. Sam and Emma talk about you every once in a while. I wish you were here to straighten out Brandy's husband. He REALLY needs it. The way he treats Mom and the kids is abhorrent, and Brandy won't do anything about it.

Mom. She misses you too. She doesn't talk about you a whole lot either. I know she has her own things she is going through related to you. Guilt is her constant companion when it comes to you. She knows you have forgiven her and that you understand stuff....but I don't think she has forgiven herself.

I can never say it enough. I miss you. A constant refrain. I will miss you for the rest of my life. I think of you often...all the time. I will always wish you hadn't bought that motorcycle. I will always wish that you had taken the car instead. I wish I had known what was going to happen so I could have spent every spare moment memorizing your voice, your smell, the way you wore your hair and the way your face crinkled up when you were laughing. Reading back over that, it sounds as if I were talking to a lover, and not my dad. EWWW. HAHA. There is just no easy way around it though. You are gone, and we are here, still mourning. Sometimes, in DEEP mourning. Other times are better. Today isn't so good.

A year. I can't believe it's been a year. I love you Dad.

If You're Reading This...

2008-07-01T21:48:00.001-06:00

Another one I found in my wanderings on YouTube. One warning: have a BIG box of tissues ready. Thank you to those who have given the ultimate sacrifice. Words can never be enough.

"If You're Reading This"
Tim McGraw

If you’re reading this
And My mama's sitting there
Looks like I only got a one-way ticket over here
I sure wish I could give you one more kiss
And war was just a game we played when we were kids
Well I’m laying down my gun
I’m hanging up my boots
I’m up here with God
And we’re BOTH watching over you

So lay me down
In that open field out on the edge of town
And know my soul
Is where my momma always prayed that it would go
And if you’re reading this
I’m already home

If you’re reading this
Half way around the world
I won’t be there to see the birth of our little girl
I hope she looks like you
I hope she fights like me
Stands up for the innocent and the weak
I’m laying down my gun
I’m hanging up my boots
Tell dad I don’t regret that I followed in his shoes

So lay me down
In that open field out on the edge of town
And know my soul
Is where my momma always prayed that it would go
And if you’re reading this
I’m already home

If you’re reading this
There’s gonna come a day
When you move on and find someone else
And that’s okay
Just remember this
I’m in a better place
Where soldiers live in peace
And angels sing Amazing Grace

So lay me down
In that open field out on the edge of town
And know my soul
Is where my momma always prayed that it would go
And if you’re reading this
If you’re reading this
I’m already home

Health Scare....or is it Scary Health?

2008-06-30T20:12:00.000-06:00

This last week I had a health scare. Since around my birthday on the 21st I had been experiencing a lot of chest pain and pressure. I thought it was just gas buildup because I had been burping alot, so I was popping Gas-X and Rolaids like they were candy. Last Wednesday the pain and pressure were starting to get unbearable, but I took some Excedrin and the pain dulled quite a bit. Never went completely away, but it didn't seem as bad as it had been all week. (I had the pain and pressure all week and I still do.)

Finally Thursday night it came to a head. I was sitting down eating dinner with my family when suddenly it became very difficult to breathe and the pain starting going down my left arm and up into my neck. It really scared me....I thought I was having a heart attack. Randon talked me into going to the ER. I had protested because of the money issue. We just don't have the money to pay for the tests I knew they would run. Anyway, we finally get to the ER and by this time I am in tears it hurt so bad. They put me into a room right away when I told them I was having chest pain....I was kinda hoping they would forget to check me in but no such luck haha! So they did an EKG...still have some burns from that puppy. It didn't really show anything except for some odd little thing but the dr. didn't seem to concerned about it. They were thinking that since the EKG came back ok that I had either blood clots in my lungs or a collapsed lung. SO they did a chest x-ray and a CAT scan. Those both came back ok as well. They also drew a bunch of blood and ran about 9 different blood tests. I guess those all came back ok as well. I now have a bruise the size of a tennis ball on my arm that is BLACK from where they drew blood....I always bruise from the needle but I think this is the worst I have ever bruised. I also have a bruise and a knot in my arm from the IV. Diagnosis: Anxiety and panic attacks. I thought it was wierd because I was just eating dinner with my family when this all happened. I went to my doctor the next day and he put on some meds: an anti depressant, an anti anxiety, and a diabetic med. I am not diabetic, but I have been told I am PRE-diabetic so maybe this can help reverse that.

I had been on anti-depressants before and I stopped taking them shortly before my dad passed away. I was feeling good and didn't feel like I needed them anymore, so I stopped taking them. I probably should have started them again after my dad died and I never did. So I figure that all the stress of the last year, plus the stress we have had lately, just finally all spilled over. We have had 4 deaths in my family since last June, and that is ALOT. Plus the everyday normal stress, plus we have moved and are getting ready to move again, no money, no car, etc. It all adds up.

Now, I am gonna get on my soap box a little bit.

For a long time I have struggled with depression. For a long time I kept telling myself I didn't need meds to help me with it. It finally came to a point that I had to admit that yes, I did need some help from medication to "deal", I guess, with my life. It wasn't just me anymore that I had to worry about, I had kids. I would get into these deep deep funks that it would take me months to get out of. I considered suicide several times. But I never did. (This was all before I got married and had kids.) Anyway, I kept telling myself I didn't need the meds. I didn't want the stigma that comes with having to take an anti depressant. Even some members of my family were like, "Just get happy. Just get over it." etc. That didn't make it any easier for me.

If you think you need them, TAKE them. Don't let someones preconceived notions about anti depressants, or even your own, stop you from getting the help you need. It didn't do me any favors by being too proud to admit that I needed the help. Do I like that I have to take them? No. But I have recognized that in order for me to be a good wife, a good mom, happy....that I NEED them at this point. I hope I won't need them forever, but if I do, I do.

Trust, Affection, and Love

2008-06-26T17:23:00.000-06:00

I was sent this in an email and thought I would share. I started bawling at the end. It is such a beautiful story. P.S. You really need your sound up for this one.

Lost

2008-06-23T17:16:00.000-06:00

I recently came across this song and I just have to say how much I love it. It is by a Norwegian singer named Anouk. It is very haunting. I am not personally crazy about the video for it but that is just me. But I love the song. Lyrics follow.

"Lost" by Anouk

If roses are meant to be red
And violets to be blue
Why isn't my heart meant for you

My hands longing to touch you
But I can barely breathe
Starry eyes that make me melt
Right in front of me

Lost in this world
I even get lost in this song
And when the lights go down
That is where I'll be found

This music's irresistible
Your voice makes my skin crawl
Innocent and pure
I guess you heard it all before

Mister Inaccessible
Will this ever change
One thing that remains the same
You're still a picture in a frame

Lost in this world
I even get lost in this song
And when the lights go down
That is where I'll be found

I get lost in this world
I get lost in your eyes
And when the lights go down
That's where I'll be found
Yeah yeah

I get lost in this world
I get lost in your eyes
And when the lights go down
Am I the only one
Ooh

They say it's your birthday..

2008-06-21T10:38:00.000-06:00

Happy Birthday to me. The big 3-1 lol! Last year was much harder for me...turning 30. My how the time does fly.

Last year for my birthday my dad brought me flowers and a card. I still have the card. The flowers I tried to hold on to for as long as I could. I eventually had to throw them away because they were slimy and gross and just nasty. I think it was about a month later....my dad had just passed away and I wanted to hold on to them so bad...the last thing he ever gave me. I cried and cried and cried when I had to throw them away.

Today my son came in to my room to give me a hug and kiss when he woke up. It's kinda become a tradition. He will always peek his head in and if I am awake I get a hug and kiss and if I am asleep he goes downstairs to watch tv till I get there. Today he came in to give me hugs and kisses and I said "Hey, don't you have anything you wanna tell me?" He thinks for a minute and he goes "Oh hi."

Such a silly boy.

Father's Day

2008-06-15T09:29:00.000-06:00

Happy Father's Day to all those dad's out there! My husband is a good dad to our kids. He is always playing with them and when he is not stressed he really takes the time to listen to them and their worries. He is as much of a kid as they are sometimes lol! Happy Father's day honey! We love you!!

Yesterday I was folding laundry when thoughts turned to my dad. I don't know why, but they did. All of a sudden I was just gasping for breath the grief was so overwhelming. I kept trying to take a breath, tears streaming down my face. I was listening to a CD that I had made that was just a random mix of songs. All of a sudden a song that was played at my dad's funeral came on. I don't know if it was coincidence or not. Probably was. But I tend to think there is more at work here than any of us realize.

I miss my dad SO much. Especially today. It's the first Father's day in 24 years he hasn't been here. I guess I just got used to him being here.

I love you Dad. I miss you SO much. Happy Father's Day.

Grandpa, Tell Me About the Good Old Days...

2008-06-04T18:31:00.000-06:00

Hrmmm...

Today is my grandfather's birthday. He would be 87 or 88...I can't remember for sure...but I think 87. I miss him lots and lots. He and a cousin of mine (who was 13 at the time) were both killed in a car accident when my son was almost two months old. Well....Nolan (my cousin) was killed instantly. My grandfather lived another two days and then died. I miss him. So much I miss him.

The discrepancy in his actual birth year comes from when he was a young man. He lied about his age so that he could join the military. World War 2 was raging and he wasn't quite old enough. So he fudged about the year of his birth to make himself older. To the day he died he would never really tell anyone...but I believe his actual birth date was in 1921. Actually, till the day he died he swore up and down that he was 28. ;)

He used to work in the coal mines as a young man. Later in life he owned a GREAT BIG house in a little town in Southern Illinois called Carrier Mills. I lived there for a big part of my very young years. One of those towns that if you blinked you would miss it. The house was huge....had apartments in it. It was enormous. I remember walking in and Papa's place was on the main floor and then he rented out the upstairs units. I think there was maybe two apartments on each floor...one on each side. It had a gorgeous staircase in it right when you walked in the front doors. HUGE yard. There was a well in the yard that my mom threw kittens down one time. She HATES cats. I think she was all of 7 lol!

Next door to Papa's house there was a funeral home. Later he sold the house and property to the funeral home. He moved out to the country, about ten miles out. There were dogs and turkeys all over the place. He always had about four or five cars he was working on. He would always sit on his porch in a pair of trousers, wife beater t-shirt, ball cap on crooked. Suspenders, brown houseshoes. Had a cigar more often that not. Would always go into the house to watch his "programs" (soap operas lol!) then come back outside if it was hot. We would go out to see him, and he would always say, "You hungry? Well go make you a bologny sandwich! Grab ya a sodee! We can always go to town if you don't want that!"

Papa LOVED to rummage sale. Had to go to his "sales" every weekend. His ring finger on his left hand was missing, down to the knuckle. He lost it in a coal mining accident when he was younger. He would always tell us kids that we (whoever happened to be sitting on his lap at the moment) pulled it off, his blue eyes twinkling. We all KNEW how it was gone, but we loved to play that game with him.

Papa LOVED to fish. That was his true passion, I think. Fishing. He would go as often as he could. He would always come back and tell us about the big huge fish that got away. That big huge fish got away EVERY time.

He could also be very stern. He was definitely a disciplinarian. I can remember one time I got in trouble. I can't remember what I did, but it was bad because PAPA told me to go pick my switch. In the South, when I was a kid, that was the method a punishment if it was REALLY bad. Getting a whipping with a switch. If that was tried now....WHOOOWEEE! Dept. of Family and Children's Services would be all over that. (Maybe that's what's wrong with a lot of the kids today....no discipline....) Anyway, I was told to go pick my switch. The thinner the switch the more it hurt. Well, according to family lore (I don't remember this but there were apparently lots of witnesses and they all tell the same story) I went outside to pick my switch. We were always told to go "pick our switch". It was bad because we knew that if found a switch that was too thick we could get in trouble and too thin it would hurt really bad. That was the worst part...picking the right one. So I come back in with this big huge tree branch dragging behind me...a tree limb that had fallen off the tree. That was my switch. I guess I knew it wouldn't hurt...I could barely (apparently) drag it so I knew Papa wouldn't be able to use it. I guess that made him even madder lol! So he goes to get one and I got it worse. I don't think I was able to sit for a week lol!

Papa didn't discipline his grandchildren very often. Hardly never. He usually left that up to our moms and dads. But if Papa came after you....you better just sit still and take your punishment cause if you ran he shore as heck would catch up to you.

I wish I could show you a picture of him. I have some somewhere and of course I can't find them right now. He was a very handsome man when he was younger. Very good looking. As he got older he still had the same twinkle in his eyes. I miss him so much.

Hubert Nolen Malone
June 4, 1921-October 30, 2000

(Yes, my son is named after him. In my mind one of the highest honors you can give someone to show your love is to name someone after them. My cousin that passed away was named after him as well.)

We Are the World

2008-05-26T13:00:00.000-06:00

All I can say is....oh! my! gosh! This HAS to be the funniest thing I have seen for a while.

To set it up....remember back in the 80's when a bunch of big name musicians at the time got together and recorded a song for Africa (or something like that...?) It had Cyndi Lauper, Michael Jackson, Stevie Wonder, Lionel Ritchie, Tina Turner, et. al. Just a bunch of them.

Well.....a bunch of Japanese impersonators got together and re-made the song. It's freakin' funny!

Angels and Airwaves

2008-05-23T17:06:00.000-06:00

I just love this band....Angels and Airwaves. They are the current band for former Blink 182-er Tom Delonge. I miss Blink 182...but I do love this group as well. Here's my current favorite song, "Everything's Magic". Lyrics follow.

"Everything's Magic"
Angels and Airwaves
And do you ever feel like you're alone?
And do you ever wish you'd be unknown?
I could say that I have..
I could say that I have..
And do you ever feel things here aren't right?
And do you ever feel the time slip by?
I can say that I have..
And I can say that I have..

So hear this please
And watch as your heart speeds up endlessly
And look for the stars as the sun goes down
Each breath that you take has a thunderous sound
Everything, everything's magic
Just sit back and hold on, but hold on tight
Prepare for the best and the fastest ride
And reach out your hand, and I'll make you mine
Everything, everything's magic

And do you ever lay awake at night?
And do you ever tell yourself don't try?
Don't try to let yourself down
Don't try to let yourself down
And do you ever see yourself in love?
And do you ever take a chance, my love?
Because you know that I will..
Because you know that I will..

So hear this please
And watch as your heart speeds up endlessly
And look for the stars as the sun goes down
Each breath that you take has a thunderous sound
Everything, everything's magic
Just sit back and hold on, but hold on tight
Prepare for the best and the fastest ride
And reach out your hand, and I'll make you mine
Everything, everything's magic
Everything, everything's magic

So hear this please
And watch as your heart speeds up endlessly
And look for the stars as the sun goes down
Each breath that you take has a thunderous sound
Everything, everything's magic
Just sit back and hold on, but hold on tight
Prepare for the best and the fastest ride
And reach out your hand, and I'll make you mine
Everything, everything's magic

Not Much New...

2008-05-20T21:23:00.000-06:00

Not much new to report here. Life still goes on...the kids still fight...the jobs still wait for us. Well...maybe there is some new stuff.

1. Our car broke down. Again. I tell you....we just have NO luck with cars. I don't know what it is. Maybe because the only cars we can afford are ones that are pretty close to being on their last legs anyway. But in ours....the oil is somehow mixing with the antifreeze. There is a cracked head in the engine thus necessitating a new engine. In order for us to go ANYWHERE we have to pour a bunch of water in the radiator, let the car rest as soon as we get to where we are going, and then pour more water in the radiator to come home. And it only will go a few miles before we start having obscene amounts of smoke coming from under the hood. Just ONCE I would like luck to be on our side.

2. Nolen has three more days of school and then he is out. The other day he told me" Mom, I can't believe I am going to be in 2nd grade next year! Man I am getting SO old!" Thanks Bubby....that must mean Mom is getting old too??

3. We MIGHT be moving. Again. Sigh.... Fact of the matter is, we just simply CANNOT afford to live in St. George. As much as we both love it here and would like to stay here...we just can't afford it. We save every penny we can just for rent and even then we don't have the rent because we still have to have groceries and the car problem has been taking ALOT of money. The car is also blowing through gas like no-one's business.....so the money we DID have saved for rent....gone to the car. And I really hate having to tell my kids no every time sign ups come around for something....Nolen really wants to join karate and do soccer, Annie wants to do gymnastics and ballet, and they would both LOVE to be able to do swim lessons. But I have to say no to everything cause we never have the money. I get tired of that. So, we are thinking that maybe a move to an area that is not as expensive might be the ticket. We were thinking of Logan, Utah. I have a friend that lives up that way and have been asking her questions about the area. She says that Logan is very busy and lots of smog and traffic...which is what we don't want again. We want some place a little bit slower...and the smog definitely wouldn't help our son's asthma. So, now we are thinking Brigham City, Utah. About 30 minutes to Logan and about 30 minutes to Ogden. Closer to family, his and mine. It's really hard to be somewhere where we don't really have any family. Randon's older brother does live here but we NEVER see him.

4. Um...what else is changing? Oh, one of my dearest dearest friends is getting married in August. Guess who gets to be a bridesmaid?

5. All I can say about this one is OH! MY! FREAKING! GOSH! Remember that little "boy band" that I have a huge crush on? Guess what guess what guess what! They have announced a tour date for Las Vegas in October and one for Salt Lake City for November! YES! New Kids on the Block came through for me! Do you even have a clue what I would do for a ticket to this show? I would give up every ticket to every other concert I have ever been to just for this one...and I have been to some pretty awesome concerts....Sugar Ray, Everclear, 311, Pearl Jam, Blink 182 (Three times!)....there's more. But the point is I have been to some pretty good ones...been in the pit for most of them. I would give them all up for a ticket to New Kids. ALL of them. That is all I want for my birthday is a New Kids ticket...maybe two so a friend could go too...wow that would just be awesome!

Fun Blog Stuff

2008-05-07T18:13:00.000-06:00

Found this on a blog and thought I would share it all with you. I love doing stuff like this!

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car):

Suzy Dodge

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie):

Chocolate Chocolate Chip

3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name):

A Smi

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal):

Blue Cat

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born):

Dawn Eldorado

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first):

SmiAn

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink):

The Pink Lemonade

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers):

Hubert Vernon

9. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names):

Renee John

10. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter):

O'Connor Orlando

11. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower).

Autumn Tulip

12. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + “ie” or “y”):

Banana Shirtie

13. HIPPIE NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree):

Brownie Maple

14. YOUR ROCK STAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour” and the year):

The Scrappy Rain Tour 2008

10 months and counting....

2008-05-06T18:47:00.001-06:00

Today marks 10 months since my dad passed away. I miss him. There's a part of me that says it's been 10 days, yet another that says it's been 10 years. Time simultaneously drags and speeds by.

My Sweetheart

2008-04-30T18:29:00.000-06:00

Nolen is my first born child. He has always been my sweetheart and generally has a very sweet and mild disposition. He loves to please and gets along well with others.

On Monday I took both kids to the doctor just for a regular check up...make sure everything is ok, etc. Nolen had to get his "boy parts" checked...I guess he is old enough now. He was very embarrassed about it. Well, the doctor thought that he might have undescended testicles. He sent us in for an ultrasound to make sure and we went in for the ultrasound yesterday.

The doctor called today with the results, and they are exactly what I had hoped it wouldn't be.

Both of my poor sweet son's testes are undescended.

This means that he is at an increased (20%-40% higher) risk for testicular cancer by the time he is 20.

It means that he will not be able to have children, as the heat from his body will "cook" the sperm. In my research it said that it is recommended that this is corrected by the time they are 2, because even at that age the reproductive capabilities are greatly diminished. He is now 7..will be 8 in just a few short months.

This is a child that talks about his future children all the time. What they might be named, what they might look like.

Now those children may not be a possibility for him.

The thing that makes me so mad though, is that I asked his doctors about his scrotum when he was a baby and even 4 or 5 years ago. He had always been smaller and I just didn't think it was right. EVERY doctor assured me that he was fine and he would grow out of it. One doctor even told me that it was because of a "fat pocket" that he had right above his scrotum and that as he got older he would lose the fat and everything would be fine. So I thought he was fine.

Well, he's not. And I'm not. I can't handle any more...I am at my breaking point. Just another notch in an already really shitty year (both calendar wise and time wise).

It has often been said that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. Well, given everything that He has given me in the last year, and even in the last several months...I find it hard to believe that He would give any more RIGHT NOW.

It has been sad that what doesn't break us will make us stronger.

I am breaking, Lord. I am breaking.

I know that after surgery or whatever it is we need to do, my boy will probably be ok physically wise. But the other stuff we won't know about for probably years.

I just wish he didn't have to go through this. I wish I didn't have to go through this. I don't want to. I covet your prayers for strength. I am tired, physically and mentally and emotionally. I just can't handle something (and right now it seems HUGE) happening to one of my children. I have already been on this rollercoaster once before with a child...I can't do it again.

Old Friends

2008-04-29T00:44:00.000-06:00

The last few days I have been reconnecting with old friends, and it has been nice. When I left home after high school I moved to Missoula, MT, to go to college. My major was theater....I worked in the costume shop in the Drama Dept. my first semester and it was SO much fun. I really enjoyed it. It was so neat to go see the productions and see the costumes that I had helped build. I learned how to do French Seams (REALLY hard!), pleats, and a host of other really hard stitches.

Anyway, the almost 4 years that I lived in Missoula I made a fantastic group of people. We all went to church together and just became really close. After I got married and moved to Utah, I pretty much lost contact with them. This week I have been finding some of them (mostly by accident, 1 or 2 I searched out) and it has been so nice to just say hi. 9-10 years have passed since I have seen some of them. We are all at different parts in our lives now...but it is still nice to catch up a little bit. Makes me realize how much I have really missed some of these people. Hopefully the next 9-10 years won't pass without us keeping in touch better.

Content

2008-04-14T16:39:00.000-06:00

Recently I was stumbling around on some message boards and found a quote someone had posted. It really hit home and I just loved it. I have pretty much always been content with the hand life has dealt me, but every once in a while I DO wish for things I could have...things I could change...it's human nature, I think. But I am going to make an effort to enjoy more fully what I DO have. It's so much more than what some have.

"Too many people are focused on mythical pots of gold when they could be enjoying the rainbow. After all, those are real and rather pretty."
-Mike Rowe of Dirty Jobs

Hello Good(bye)

2008-04-08T14:38:00.002-06:00

Recently I was gifted an item that I did not need. (It was the Supernatural DVD Box Set Season 1, and I had that one. I TRIED to return it for Season 2).

I tried to return this item to a local store that is the only place in town that carries it. I have checked every store and this particular store was the only one that had it. So I try to take Season 1 in and exchange it for Season 2. I was not allowed to. I tried again a couple weeks later. Again, I was not allowed to. The item was more than $20 and without a gift receipt (that prints with the transaction receipt) I could not exchange the item. Even though the two items were the same price, and the store HAD the item I wanted to exchange on the shelves.

So, I wrote the company.

"Recently I received an item as a gift that was purchased at your St. George Utah store. I tried to exchange the item for one that I did not have as I had the particular item. (I had gotten the Supernatural DVD box set Season 1 as a gift and was trying to exchange it for Season 2, as I already owned the 1st season.)

I did not have a gift receipt but I just wanted to exchange it straight across for the item I wanted. They were the same price and I did not see how it would be an issue. I was NOT allowed to exchange the item as it was $42.99. I was told I couldn't since I didn't have the gift receipt. Now, just because gift receipts print off with the transaction receipt is no guarantee that the person receiving the gift will get the gift receipt as well. That is up to the gift giver. I was very upset and I am now stuck with an item that I don't need, and will have to shell out $42.99 to buy the item I want. Basically I will have to buy my own birthday present, but that is not the issue. The issue is that your return policy does not serve the customer at all...it serves XXXXX's bottom line. While I realize that my dollars will not make a difference in the grand scheme of things, I will not shop at a store that will not serve me as their customer. However, word of mouth CAN have power and all it takes is one unhappy customer, and I am very unhappy. All I wanted to do was exchange the item straight across. You had the item I was trying to return on your store shelves..it was still wrapped, so it wasn't like you couldn't turn around and sell it again. Now, as it stands, you have one unhappy customer with a big mouth and a lot of friends."

Victor, a Guest Relations Associate, wrote back:

"Dear Angela Smith,

Please accept our apologies for the disappointment you experienced while trying to exchange the Season 1 of the Supernatural DVD box set you received as gift.

As you know, XXXXX requires a receipt or a gift receipt dated within 90 days for all returns or exchanges of new, unused or defective items. That's why your St. George XXXXX store declined your return.

Since your item is a gift you'll need to ask the gift giver for the gift receipt which we gave when it was purchased. If that's lost, don't worry there are still two options for making your return. If the gift giver has a copy of the original receipt, they can simply take it to the Guest Service desk and request a reprint of the gift receipt. If they don't have the original receipt, the gift giver will need to take the item with their card or check to our Guest Service desk and ask about receipt look up. Most purchases made by check, credit, debit or GiftCards can be located and returned with this process, within 90 days.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and comments with us. Your feedback is helpful in our continual review of our return policy."

I'm sorry Victor, but I don't accept your apology.

"I'm sorry, but I don't accept your apology. Your Customer Service policy sucks and I am not very happy about it at all. It is not about making the customer happy which should be XXXXX #1 goal. If your company was truly a customer oriented company it would do whatever it could to make it's customers happy, and it does not and it hasn't.

While the Gift Receipt concept is good in theory, it doesn't always work. Like I stated before, it is not up to ME to ensure that I get a gift receipt with a gift that I was given from SOMEONE ELSE.

Please accept my apologies for no longer utilizing XXXXX as a shopping destination.

Angela Smith

The Dash

2008-04-07T19:11:00.000-06:00

I got this email from my sister in law about an email SHE had gotten. In the email was a link to The Dash Poem Movie. I watched the little video and started crying. Of course haha. As I was watching this little video thoughts automatically turned to my dad. About how he lived his dash. And I missed him SO much. So much. I will always miss him.

Always always always.

The Dash, by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end

He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life’s actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

The Rich Get Richer.....

2008-04-05T17:47:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I went to pay our rent. Our landlord lives in a gated community in a GORGEOUS million dollar plus home that I just knew if I looked at it funny it would break. This place was gorgeous! I had my little munchkin with me and I was afraid to have her walk on the floor! So, as I was talking to our landlords sister, I found out some stuff.

Our landlord and her husband have 4 homes just in St. George
The husband also has two commercial buildings that he owns in St. George.
They have 3 homes in Mesquite, NV.
They have one home in Hawaii.
They are also in the process of building a home in Samoa (where the wife is from.)

Can you guess how many rentals they have?

ONE. Yup.....ours. The rest they live in when they are not traveling.

INSANE. You would think that with that kind of money they could afford to give us a break on the rent lol!

Update

2008-04-04T18:22:00.000-06:00

I heard back from the Superintendent of Schools here regarding the little "police boarding the bus" incident. While it is definitely NOT the answers I was looking for...he did write back. It only served to ignite more questions.

Dear Angela,

You are right about this whole issue. I did not know as much about this incident as you have shared, so I appreciate this information. I think this was a one-time incident that resulted from the Safe School policy where a tip led to this police action. I think the situation resulted in finding a pellet gun in a middle schooler’s possession. I am looking into this and totally agree that proper notification is necessary.

Thanks for giving me this information.

XXXX

Now, from this letter, I gather he didn't even really know what was going on. He indicated that a MIDDLE SCHOOL student had a pellet gun, so WHY did they STOP and SEARCH my son's elementary bus? And there has STILL been no communication from the school OR the school district regarding this matter.

What to do....what to do.....

Was I too aggressive?

2008-04-02T22:50:00.000-06:00

So...last Friday my son came home from school and told me that his bus had been pulled over that morning by two policemen. The bus driver wasn't speeding...they were looking for guns. Yes, GUNS...on a bus full of Elementary kids. While I am grateful that they were being cautious..I am very upset that I had to learn of it from my 1st grader. I feel that I should have been notified by the school district, which I wasn't.

Well, after trying to (unsuccessfully) get some answers this week, I finally wrote an email to the school superintendent and CC'ed it to the head of the transportation department. There's a part of me that thinks maybe I was a little harsh, but theres a part of me that also says the school district was in the wrong. What do you think?

Below is the exact email I sent, with, of course, some identifying details left out for safety purposes.

Dear Mr. XXXX,

My name is Angela Smith and I have a 7 year old son enrolled in 1st grade at XXXXXXXXX Elementary. He rides bus # XX from our home to school every day. Last Friday, March 28, 2008, he told me that on his way to school that morning, his bus was stopped by two policemen who proceeded to board the bus and search everyone's backpacks for guns. As I am sure you can understand I was taken aback by his statement and I continued to ask him if that really had happened. He informed me that it had, in fact, happened and even showed me where the bus had been pulled over. I checked with other parents and asked other students as well if this had happened and I was informed in the affirmative. We, as parents, received no notice regarding this incident. This troubles me as I feel it is something that parents should have been made aware of. This was a bus full of Elementary students. While I am grateful that this seems to be a tale erring on the side of caution, I am very upset that I had to learn of this from my 1st grader. I am sure that I am not the only parent who heard about the bus being pulled over and searched for guns by their child. I feel that we, as parents, should have been notified of this from the school district.

I have called the County School District offices and have gotten no answers regarding this issue. Everyone that I have spoken with seems to have no knowledge of this, and I am referred to the transportation department. When I call them I get no answer, and I have tried several times.

I hope that you will be able to answer my concerns and that I can have your assurance that if this does in deed happen again, that parents will be notified by the school district and not by their child. My son was understandably a little bit scared and confused by this. I am more flabbergasted than anything that the school district did not feel this to be of enough import to notify parents themselves.

Regards,

Angela D. Smith

Remember these guys....?

2008-04-01T21:31:00.000-06:00

Well, they are REUNITING! I am so excited! Yes, I know...this totally dates me. But that's ok. I was SO in love with New Kids on the Block when I was younger. I had EVERY album, knew the words to EVERY song. The walls in my room were covered floor to ceiling with posters. I had a denim jacket with pins all over it..the little and not so little round ones. I had the lunchbox (it was orange!), books....anything you could imagine, I probably had it. I loved them! They were my first "band crush" ever. And I can honestly say that I don't think I have ever been as excited about a band or artist since as I was about them. Jordan was my New Kid du jour. I loved him. Loved them all! I loved being a "Blockhead" and I wanted to move to Boston so that I could run into them! I still remember the part of town they were from.....Jamaica Plain. And WHO could forget the cartoon! I watched it EVERY week!

Their first gig as a reunited band is this Friday, April 4, on the Today Show. Of course, my tv would HAVE to pick now to die and go out on me. GRRRRR.....

This was one of my favorite songs of theirs..."Tonight" circa 1990. Video from thyfenne on YouTube.

We're just two lazy frogs.....

2008-03-28T15:29:00.000-06:00

I found this little video on YouTube and it brought a smile to my face so I just had to share it!!

Video from DanielinVT.