Spanish Fork, UT....a new adventure.

Well, like normal, a lot of time has passed since my last entry. I don't do it on purpose lol. Just kinda happens that way. We have moved from my beloved Cache Valley to Utah County. I came kicking and screaming. I have NEVER wanted to live in Utah County again. Unfortunately, Cache Valley doesn't have many opportunities for working families and advancement in jobs. As much as we tried to stay there, I guess it just wasn't meant to be. I plan to go back there someday. So, we have landed in Spanish Fork. It's a cute little town. Not a Hyrum or even a Logan by any means, but it's okay. There really isn't a whole lot here shopping wise, but Provo is about 5 miles away and there is a lot there. Spanish is growing a lot though. There is a big movie theater supposedly coming in, and a bunch of restaurants. A Wal Mart, that hopefully Randon can transfer to. The kids start school tomorrow. I can't believe that my babies are growing up. Annie just turned 11 and is going into the 6th grade. Nolen is almost 14 and is going into the 8th grade. Nolen will be attending Diamond Fork Junior High and Annie is going to Rees Elementary. In the Nebo school district they keep the 6th graders in the elementary. She is in a multi age class, 4th, 5th, and 6th grade.

I had a dream.

A little backstory first. (Sorry, way long post ahead.

It's never been a secret that my sister and I have never really gotten along, but still, she is my sister and I love her. Despite all our ups and downs, I do love her, even if I don't like her. Anyway, back to the story.

Like I said, Brandy and I never really got along. I always thought she was somewhat more selfish and she thought I was....well. I don't really know. She never said. But no matter what, she was my sister, and there were times that she could be extremely generous. I can remember once that there was a girl that was in her class at school who's family didn't have a whole lot of money. She would come to school in clothes that were often to small, or raggedy. Brandy went through her closet and gave this girl almost her whole closet full of clothes.

There was another time that another girl's family had a house fire and this girl had nothing. Again, Brandy gave this girl almost her whole closet full of clothes, just so she had some.

Brandy has always loved animals. She makes the best chicken and dumplings. She has always been extremely smart. Spelling was never her strong suit, but she was always brilliant at math. She took apart the VCR when it wouldn't work and fixed it and put it back together and it worked great. She was, honestly, everything I wanted to be. She spoke her mind, wasn't afraid of anyone. She was skinny and pretty and popular. She was athletic. Pretty much everything I WASN'T, Brandy WAS. I freely admit it, I was jealous of her.

So when she was pregnant at 15, we were all pretty shocked. But she went through that trial like a trooper. Girls in our hometown were SO MEAN to her. They called her some terrible, horrible awful things. But she came through it, and I honestly admired her for it. I don't know that I would have been that strong in her situation. When she had her baby girl, my niece, Kendra, at 16, she tried really hard to be a good mom. I really believe that she tried to be a good mom to that sweet baby.

Brandy decided to join the Navy, and when Kendra was 1, I think, she joined the Navy. She did, I thought, AMAZING in the Navy. I thought it was really good for her. I could totally see her doing very well and having a military career. I was jealous, again. I had had dreams of being in the Army, but I've always been on the plus side, sucked at anything remotely athletic, and didn't relish the idea of being yelled at all the time. So I went to college and became a drama geek instead. (I still LOVE theater....)

But then it all started going wrong. I still don't understand what happened, and probably never will. Brandy discharged from the Navy, had three more kids, and now....now she hates me. I honestly don't know why. I wish I did. Maybe it would make the heartbreak a little easier. Maybe not. Obviously there is a lot more to the story, but it's private, and will remain so. There are a few family members and close friends that know the full story. Yes, there is some history, and any wrong that I have done to her I've apologized for. She has basically said that I am dead to her, that she doesn't have a sister. I haven't really talked to her in years. Even when I was in Montana this summer for 8 weeks, she never said the first word to me. Even though she was only 3 blocks away the entire time. She would just pretend that I wasn't there if she had to come to our mom's house and leave as soon as she could. To be honest, it hurt. It hurt alot. She has come to Utah or through Utah several times, and she's always been driving within 20-25 miles of me, but she's never stopped, not even for a few hours to say hi and let me see the kids or for her to see my kids or nothing. That hurt. That hurt alot.

Even if she was mad at me, I still had two kids that loved her. She was their only Aunt Brandy. The only aunt from my side of the family. Her kids were the only cousins from my side. She never called to tell them, or me, Happy Birthday, or Merry Christmas, or Happy Thanksgiving. She never called to just say that she was thinking of them or hello. She never will. She is hurting them just as much as she is hurting me, but she doesn't care. No matter what I've done to her or she thinks I've done, she takes it out on my kids and her kids both. We are all being punished. I'm not allowed to have any contact with her children at all. I was, for awhile, but that's been taken away again. AGAIN. That hurts, alot.

The other night I had a dream that she had passed away (Heaven forbid!). She was on her way back from Great Falls, doing a shopping trip for Christmas. As it so often happens in Montana, the weather changed quickly and became a white out blizzard. She was with her boyfriend, hit a patch of black ice, and was in a roll over collision. In my dream, they both died. I went to the funeral and her friends were there, of course. Her one friend (in my dream I know who it is but I won't say her name here) comes up to me and starts yelling at me. "Why are you even here? Brandy hated you! You have no right to be here at all!" My mom is freaking out, others are trying to hold this gal back from attacking me because she wants to HURT me. I'm crying. My kids are crying, her kids are crying. All I could say was, "Even though she stopped loving me, I never stopped loving her."

Even though she stopped loving me, I'VE NEVER STOPPED LOVING HER.

After I woke up, that phrase just kept going through my mind, and it made me think of my Heavenly Father and my Savior. Even though I mess up, alot, and there have been times in my life when I may have stopped loving Them, They have never stopped loving me. They will NEVER stop loving me, because I am Their child, Their sister. I am loved no matter what I do. They may not always like what I do, will be disappointed in me at times, but I will always know that I am loved by Them.

Just like I will always love my sister. No matter what. I don't like the things she does, but she is still my sister. There are times that I am very angry with her...very hurt by her....don't like her....I WILL ALWAYS LOVE HER.

Even though she's stopped loving me, I've never stopped loving her. Whether she likes it or not.

Fall in Cache Valley

Not much has changed, we just keep plugging along and doing the things that make our life. School has started. Kids are in 7th and 5th grade now. I can't believe how much they have grown and continue to grow. My boy is now a teenager. A TEENAGER! I can't believe it. My girl is now in double digits. She was so excited to turn 10 and be in double digits. She makes me laugh. With the beginning of school it also marked the beginning of fall in Cache Valley. I love this time of year here. The colors are beautiful, the air is nice and cool and crisp. The leaves are starting to change colors and fall to the ground. Pumpkins and corn stalks and scarecrows are everywhere. It's my favorite time of year! We have already had snow in the mountains. We were looking for a new place to live because the place where we currently live wasn't going to be available much longer. The homeowners were hoping to sell the home. Our lease wasn't up until December, but we were looking for a place sooner because I didn't want to have to move at Christmastime/in the middle of winter again. We had found a place and were getting ready to move in once we secured the deposit and such, but then the homeowners came back and said that they had changed their plans and were not going to be selling the home, at least not now. So, long story short, we don't have to move right now. So glad. I thank my Heavenly Father every day for small and tender mercies. Our rent will be going up a little bit, starting in December, but that's okay. Sometimes you have to give a little to get a little.

Montana

Just when I resolve to do better and write on my blog more, I end up going to Montana for 8 weeks and my resolutions go down the drain. At least it was never said that if you fail, you can never try again. Does that make sense? I am so blessed that I am able to call Montana home, in a roundabout way. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE living in Cache Valley and I know we are so blessed to be here. But there is just something about Montana that grabs you and doesn't let go. I have noticed that if I don't make it back there at least every few years, I start to feel an aching and a need in my gut. It doesn't really go away until I cross that Montana state line. I know it sounds weird, but that is how it is. Maybe it's the wide, rolling fields.....

(This is a photo of Toole CO., where I grew up. You can see the Sweetgrass Hills in the distance.) Or maybe it's St. Mary's lake, and Glacier Park...easily one of the most beautiful places on the planet....

(St. Mary's at sunrise...) Or Going to the Sun Road....simultaneously one of the most breathtaking and terrifying stretches of road I have ever been on....especially in the middle of a blizzard and an 18 wheeler coming at you from the other direction...

Or Huckleberries....they taste the best in Montana. :)

(There is a little place right outside of Glacier Park that makes the BEST Huckleberry shakes.) Or it could be Flathead Lake...

Or Missoula...(I have a love affair with this town...it's where I discovered ME.)

Or The Sleeping Giant, just outside of Helena....

Can you see him?

 Or Gates of the Mountains....

Also outside of Helena. You can take a boat tour on the river and while you are going down the river the mountains literally look like a gate opening up. Or maybe it's just that it is home, and that is where my people are. My mom is there, my dad is buried there, my sister and her kids are there. Friends that I have known almost my whole life. People that I grew up with, laughed with, saw me at my worst and at my best. There are those people in Utah also, but there is something about the ones that were with you when you discovered yourself, and loved you no matter what. Ones who decided to be your friend on the first day of high school, in a new town going to school with kids who had all gone to school together since they were five. Or the friends that were with you when you wanted to impress a boy and decided to jump off the rope swing into the river, but ended up somersaulting down instead and knocking out two teeth and breaking your nose and jaw and needing 200 stitches to reattach your nose and lip to the rest of your face. Trust me, it wasn't pretty. Or maybe it's because it's the place where you fell in love for the first time, really in love, and regret not telling him how you really felt. It might not have made a difference, but maybe it would have. As John Steinbeck, author of The Grapes of Wrath, Of Mice and Men and countless others once said, "I'm in love with Montana. For other states I have admiration, respect, recognition, even some affection. But with Montana it is love. And it's difficult to analyze love when you're in it.  Forever a Griz,

Tragedy

Recently I got news of a couple of tragedies coming out of my hometown in Shelby, MT. A couple of long time residents both died tragically or as the result of a tragedy. One I knew of, but the other I knew very well. The first one, a sister from my home LDS branch, was coming home from work on I-15, going past one of the alkali flats that are so prevalent in that part of Montana. The alkali was extremely dry, and a strong wind caused all the alkali to blow, causing a white out. From what I understand, visibility was pretty terrible. She stopped because she couldn't see to drive. A semi rear ended her, and she died on the scene. She was the same age as my mother, just a couple of months younger. The other, a gentleman that, while I didn't know him well, I did know OF him. I went to school with a couple of his kids. I don't know the specifics of his accident, but I do know that a result of his accident, his injuries were pretty severe, and his body just couldn't heal from the trauma. He was on a motorcycle. Needless to say, these tragic accidents bring back to mind my own dad's accident. How I miss him. I can't believe that he has been gone six years this summer. SIX YEARS. There are some days that I am really okay....and then something happens, like these good people passing away, and it all comes back, and I grieving once again. I guess I never really STOP grieving completely, but there are definitely times that I do better. Days, weeks, sometimes even months will go by and I don't really think about the fact that my dad isn't HERE, but I think about the good times we had, how happy he is now. I miss him everyday, but there are days that are good. Weeks, that are good. Months, that are good. I think about him everyday. I see something that reminds me of him, or swear I smell his smell or hear his voice. Grief never completely leaves you. It is a daily visitor, a constant companion. Grief steals in when you aren't expecting it to and can leave you shuddering, crying, gasping for air. Grief can have tears running down your face at the slightest, imperceptible to everyone but you moment, like when you hear something, or smell something, or see something from the corner of your eye. You turn, and the person that you could have sworn was just there, really isn't. And you are hit with their loss all over again. I know how very much these people, a mother and a father, will be missed. I am so very grateful that I KNOW that this life is not the end, that I will see my dad, and other loved ones, again. I am so grateful for eternal families, that I can be with mine forever. I am so grateful, eternally grateful, for the Plan of Salvation. I know that when it is my time to pass through the veil to the other side, that my loved ones will be there waiting for me with open arms.

I'm gonna try this thing again........

Yeah, I know. I've been a slacker with a capital SLACK. I was doing so good at keeping this thing pretty updated. Then.....fast forward a year. Sigh. All I can do is try again. Not much has really happened. We moved, again. Got three new family members (the cutest kitties in the world and also the most attitude-y kitties in the world) and I've been having a host of health issues that I never wanted (really, who does?) but since there is no cure for it then I pretty much get to live with it forever, which sucks. Randon lost a job, as did I, Randon got a new job which is crap as a job but hey, it's a job. I am not working because right now, I couldn't do it physically. I am hoping to get into some kind of work from home thing, but they all cost money we don't really have right now.

It's Spring! Almost Summer!

Spring is here in Cache Valley! The trees are blooming, the bees are buzzing, and the grass needs mowing! I love springtime! I love the smells of fresh cut grass, flowers blooming...I love the sounds of the mowers going and kids laughing as they play outside. I love that we are in a house that we can do yard work in. I wish it was ours, but honestly, I am just glad to be in a house and not have to worry about when things go broken. I just wish we could have a kitty. Or a dog. But the landlord says NO! That's one downside of renting....but oh well. We have been doing yard work every weekend trying to get the yard in decent shape. The last people that lived here DID NOT take care of it at all. It looked terrible when we moved in. Granted, we moved in in December...what yard looks good in the middle of winter...but it still looked bad when it started to warm up and get green. We still have a lot to do, but we have done a lot also. We've cleaned out the flower beds (one more to go), pruned four trees (they needed it bad, but unfortunately we had to take some of the house shade...but now the trees will be healthy haha!). We've cleaned up alot of the leaves (still have a lot to go) and cleaned out the entire side of the garage that was full of dead tree branches, leaves, and garbage. I am amazed at how much of a difference just doing that made to that area. It looks so much better now than it did. There were a bunch of random flowers in the middle of the yard too...tulips, snowdrops...other annuals....I tried to transplant some of them but I don't think it worked. Oh well. There is also another spot that I want to put a small bush in, and maybe plant a tree in the front yard. This house has no air conditioning (it was built in 1928!) so the only coolness we get is from shade trees. So, I would like to plant one in the front yard to see if that helps with shade. I want something that is fast growing, but won't have a huge root system because I don't want it to end up breaking through the foundation. Luckily we have been given the go ahead to pretty much do what we want to the house, at least cosmetically. We can do whatever we want outside, if we want to paint inside we can. The owner tends to put the house up for sale every couple years, so I don't want to do a lot of work to it and then have to move. If it was ours it would be different, but it's not. At least not yet...maybe someday!