Sunday, September 16, 2007

Some Days Are Better Than Others

The other day my family and I were at a local truck stop. There was this man that walked thru the store area that, just for a second, looked so much like my dad that I had to do a double take. With the second look I could tell that it obviously wasn't my dad. This guy was too short, not skinny enough to be my dad. But just for a second, I could have sworn it WAS him. It was like this guy took on the appearance of my dad or something. Maybe it was the ball cap, or the hair color, or the mustache....I don't know. But it was enough to send me crying there in the middle of the store.

Today I took my nieces and nephew to church with us. This was where my dad's funeral was held. We had a private family viewing in one room of the church and then he was taken into the chapel for the service. Well, we were in this room where we had the family gathering, and my youngest niece comes up to me and says, "This is where Papa was." She will be four in November.

Somedays I can think of my dad and just feel a minute sadness. Other days it's a full on cryfest. The last couple days have been cryfests. I just miss him SO much. I can see something or hear something or think of something, and I instantly think of how much my dad would have liked it. I see a motorcycle going down the road and I just cringe. There was a point in my life when I liked motorcycles, even wanted one. Not anymore. Now they have just become the instrument that took my daddy away from me. I wish I could post a sign on my street that says "NO MOTORCYCLES ALLOWED", but I know that isn't possible.

People keep telling me that it gets better. That there comes a point when it doesn't hurt so bad. I keep waiting. It's only been 2 1/2 months, but still....knowing what I know and believing what I believe, I would think that I would be at an easier point than I am. I am gonna miss him for the rest of my life. I don't think I will ever get over his death. There are just too many things around that remind me of him....his dog, his lariat, his glasses. His coffee cup he always drank from. The fence around my front yard, because he was gonna paint it for me. The yard rake, because he used it to rake leaves. His truck, because it is parked in my yard. There are just so many things. Gosh, I miss him.

1 Totally cool people said::

Marci said...

I feel so bad for you Angela. I can't imagine how hard it is for you. I know that one day I'll know exactly how you feel and what you're going through and that scares the heck out of me. I don't think that we ever really get over losing someone that we love so much. Its great that you remember him so often though. I'm sure he'd like that.