Or my mind is...I don't know yet.
In one week it will have been five months since my dad passed away. I know I talk about this alot, but I miss him SO much. Sometimes the memories and the grief are so consuming that the only way to deal with it is to write it down. So, I do.
The other day I found a card my dad had sent me in late August of '06. In it was a letter that I had never read. I remember now when I got it that I had decided I would read it later, because I always cried when there was a letter from my dad, and I wanted to read it when I was alone. I put it up and forgot about it. The other day I found the letter and I read it. I bawled. I blubbered. I cried and cried and cried until I didn't think I could cry anymore. In it, my dad said how much he missed me, how much he loved me, how proud he was of me. That he couldn't wait to see me. He said to tell the kids hi from Papa and he loved them. It was like he was right there. I needed to hear those words from him SO bad. I know that I put that letter up and forgot about it so that I could find it when I needed it. The only thing better would be if he was here to tell me those things himself. I want to hear his voice so bad. I am so afraid that I will forget what he sounded like. I would give anything to hear his voice again, even if it meant that all he could do was yell at me. His clothes hang in the closet in my mom's house. I go in there and smell them, just to smell HIM. I don't know why I am having such a hard time with his absence. I keep thinking that by now I should be doing better, but I'm not. Some days are worse than when he first died. I just miss him. More than anything, I miss him.
Earlier I was reading my sister-in-law's blog. This woman is such a strength to me. The last couple years she has had some problems, but she has come through them strong. Her faith has never wavered. If it has, she has never shown it.
On her blog she has some family pictures from around Thanksgiving. A huge wave of homesickness hit me. We have a nephew who is just over a year old. We have never seen him....my kids have never played with or even met this little cousin. There were pictures of two of our nieces playing....my little girl should have been there playing with them, but she wasn't. Our older nephew is turning into such a strong and handsome young man....my son looks up to him and always wants to tag along. I miss the Thanksgiving dinners we would have at my in-laws house...tables as long as the house is (almost!) with sticky rice and tea for the Japanese students. My father in law offering a blessing on the food...platters being passed, silver ware tinkling...low laughter. Seeing those pictures just made me miss it. But, I am glad that I am where I am right now. The first holiday season without my dad, and I can spend it with my family...my mom and my sister...who loved him as much as I did and still do. We can draw strength from each other during this difficult time.