Loss

Lately I have been reading alot of blogs. A few days ago I started reading Christine Middlecamp's blog. She lost her husband a week ago tomorrow to brain cancer. As I was reading her blog I was just sobbing for what her family has gone thru over the last year plus. No matter how long you have to prepare for what may happen, you are never fully prepared for it when it does.

From Christine's blog I went over to Jody Ferlaak's blog. She lost her 4 1/2 year old daughter in a horrible accident 6 1/2 years ago. The family had gone out to brunch after church one Sunday, when a woman drove right into the restaurant trying to kill herself. She ended up killing a little girl and a young mother instead, and injuring 9 others. The entire Ferlaak family had severe injuries, including Jody, her husband, their 2 year old son, and 6 month old daughter. Again, I was just crying. I think Jody's story affected me so deeply because I have a 4 1/2 year old daughter, and I can't imagine my life without her.

And I don't want to. It's purely a selfish thing.

But in reading these blogs, it made me realize something. While I miss my dad deeply, and always will, I haven't lost a child or my husband. I think that, in my personal opinion, there is a deeper level of loss in losing a child or a spouse. Don't get me wrong, it hurts no matter what. But in losing a spouse or child you also lose the dreams that you had for and with that person.

Christine's blog took me back to when my dad passed away...the days immediately after when you don't know if you are coming or going. When you needed to do something, ANYTHING, that was normal for you to do in the days before your life turned upside down. When you needed to clean, or paint, or scrapbook, just because it takes your mind off of actually having to live your life without this person in it. Because when you aren't doing something, you have time to think. And when you have time to think, you start to cry. And you can't stop. Sometimes you don't want to.

Jody's blog gave me hope. She and her husband had 2 more children after the passing of their daughter. She talks about going on and living life, and she talks about the days when her grief is still so overwhelming and fresh. The woman who drove her car into the restaurant walked away from the crash. Yet Jody and her husband forgave this woman for taking the life of their daughter. She is so much stronger than I would have been. I honestly don't think I could have done that. But she has been able to move through her grief and pain (physical and emotional) to find her own sunny spot. And that gives me hope that I can too.

I will always miss my dad. Always. Every time I see a motorcycle I will probably cringe and look away. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him. And it's a very rare day when I don't cry, even if it's only for a minute. There are still so many reminders and things...every once in a great while he will still get some mail. That opens it up all over again. I still see him, or hear his truck...I think of how much he would have enjoyed something. But I know he is happy. He is where he is meant to be. I KNOW that I will see him again someday. When it's time.