Nolen is my first born child. He has always been my sweetheart and generally has a very sweet and mild disposition. He loves to please and gets along well with others.
On Monday I took both kids to the doctor just for a regular check up...make sure everything is ok, etc. Nolen had to get his "boy parts" checked...I guess he is old enough now. He was very embarrassed about it. Well, the doctor thought that he might have undescended testicles. He sent us in for an ultrasound to make sure and we went in for the ultrasound yesterday.
The doctor called today with the results, and they are exactly what I had hoped it wouldn't be.
Both of my poor sweet son's testes are undescended.
This means that he is at an increased (20%-40% higher) risk for testicular cancer by the time he is 20.
It means that he will not be able to have children, as the heat from his body will "cook" the sperm. In my research it said that it is recommended that this is corrected by the time they are 2, because even at that age the reproductive capabilities are greatly diminished. He is now 7..will be 8 in just a few short months.
This is a child that talks about his future children all the time. What they might be named, what they might look like.
Now those children may not be a possibility for him.
The thing that makes me so mad though, is that I asked his doctors about his scrotum when he was a baby and even 4 or 5 years ago. He had always been smaller and I just didn't think it was right. EVERY doctor assured me that he was fine and he would grow out of it. One doctor even told me that it was because of a "fat pocket" that he had right above his scrotum and that as he got older he would lose the fat and everything would be fine. So I thought he was fine.
Well, he's not. And I'm not. I can't handle any more...I am at my breaking point. Just another notch in an already really shitty year (both calendar wise and time wise).
It has often been said that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. Well, given everything that He has given me in the last year, and even in the last several months...I find it hard to believe that He would give any more RIGHT NOW.
It has been sad that what doesn't break us will make us stronger.
I am breaking, Lord. I am breaking.
I know that after surgery or whatever it is we need to do, my boy will probably be ok physically wise. But the other stuff we won't know about for probably years.
I just wish he didn't have to go through this. I wish I didn't have to go through this. I don't want to. I covet your prayers for strength. I am tired, physically and mentally and emotionally. I just can't handle something (and right now it seems HUGE) happening to one of my children. I have already been on this rollercoaster once before with a child...I can't do it again.