Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about how I treat other people and the perceptions that they come away with about me.
I had always thought that I was a pretty nice person. A little mouthy sometimes, but overall, I thought I was a nice person that anyone would enjoy being friends with. I didn't think that I was mean, or malicious. I knew that at times I could be gossipy, but it was never done with a cruel intent. I was always willing to do what I could to help someone.
Over the last several months though, I guess I haven't been as nice as person or as good as a friend to others that I could have been. In my defense, I had no clue that others felt the way that they do. Nothing was ever said to me about my actions so that I could fix them. While that does not excuse my actions, I also can't fix things and try to be a better friend and person if I don't know that things are wrong.
I feel badly that people were afraid to be honest with me. I feel badly that I wasn't a better friend. Even though I have apologized numerous times since finding out how people felt, friendships have forever been changed by my actions, and not only by mine, but by the actions of others. I truly feel that I have lost some good friends that I held very dear to my heart. I am not taking the entire blame, but I do know that some of the fault is mine.
Sadly, even though it may not be Christ-like, this whole thing has served as a lesson to me to be not only more careful with my heart, but now I feel like I will have to analyze EVERYTHING I say and do because of how others may perceive it. It hurts my soul so much that this whole thing even ever happened, but I can't change the past. I can only learn from it and apply it to the future.