Tuesday, November 6, 2007

2,921 Hours

Since I last saw my dad.

Since I heard his voice.

2, 930 Hours since everything I knew changed.

4 months ago today, my dad passed away. 4 months. 4 months of being without him. It seems like everyday there are little reminders, somewhere.

A couple weeks ago I got a little card in the mail from a company in New Jersey, notifying me of a book donated by local businesses for those who have lost family members. The other day the book came. On the cover it said "In Memory of Kenneth John Nielson". I thought I would put it up for my oldest niece. My mom made a comment about how nice it was, and that people must have known I was having a hard time with my dad's death. She said that if she could, she would go back and change it so it was her. I asked her what good would that do, and she said that it would be my dad that here instead of her. I said, but then YOU would be gone. Kinda would defeat the purpose. I wish they could both still be here.

Today I was at the gas station and I saw a man from behind. Kinda tall, wearing jeans, boots, a maroon coat. Blonde hair, brown hat. Had to stop and catch my breath because that was my dad's everyday apparel. I miss him so much. Sometimes I don't know how to go on. I keep thinking that I should be moving on by now...getting better about this whole grief thing. My mom and I were talking the other day, the day the book came....and in the course of the discussion she said something about me having an especially hard time with the fact that my dad is gone. It made me stop and think. And I realized that yeah, I was having an especially hard time with it. I think about him EVERYDAY. The kids tell me all the time how much they miss him and wish he was still here. They can be ok and then all of a sudden start crying. When I ask them why they are crying, they say something about Dad. My poor babies. I miss him too. Every day I miss him. Sometimes the grief is so debilitating....all I can do is cry.

Now, moving on. Sometimes it's hard to do.

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