Friday, December 6, 2013

I had a dream.

A little backstory first. (Sorry, way long post ahead.

It's never been a secret that my sister and I have never really gotten along, but still, she is my sister and I love her. Despite all our ups and downs, I do love her, even if I don't like her. Anyway, back to the story.

Like I said, Brandy and I never really got along. I always thought she was somewhat more selfish and she thought I was....well. I don't really know. She never said. But no matter what, she was my sister, and there were times that she could be extremely generous. I can remember once that there was a girl that was in her class at school who's family didn't have a whole lot of money. She would come to school in clothes that were often to small, or raggedy. Brandy went through her closet and gave this girl almost her whole closet full of clothes.

There was another time that another girl's family had a house fire and this girl had nothing. Again, Brandy gave this girl almost her whole closet full of clothes, just so she had some.

Brandy has always loved animals. She makes the best chicken and dumplings. She has always been extremely smart. Spelling was never her strong suit, but she was always brilliant at math. She took apart the VCR when it wouldn't work and fixed it and put it back together and it worked great. She was, honestly, everything I wanted to be. She spoke her mind, wasn't afraid of anyone. She was skinny and pretty and popular. She was athletic. Pretty much everything I WASN'T, Brandy WAS. I freely admit it, I was jealous of her.

So when she was pregnant at 15, we were all pretty shocked. But she went through that trial like a trooper. Girls in our hometown were SO MEAN to her. They called her some terrible, horrible awful things. But she came through it, and I honestly admired her for it. I don't know that I would have been that strong in her situation. When she had her baby girl, my niece, Kendra, at 16, she tried really hard to be a good mom. I really believe that she tried to be a good mom to that sweet baby.

Brandy decided to join the Navy, and when Kendra was 1, I think, she joined the Navy. She did, I thought, AMAZING in the Navy. I thought it was really good for her. I could totally see her doing very well and having a military career. I was jealous, again. I had had dreams of being in the Army, but I've always been on the plus side, sucked at anything remotely athletic, and didn't relish the idea of being yelled at all the time. So I went to college and became a drama geek instead. (I still LOVE theater....)

But then it all started going wrong. I still don't understand what happened, and probably never will. Brandy discharged from the Navy, had three more kids, and she hates me. I honestly don't know why. I wish I did. Maybe it would make the heartbreak a little easier. Maybe not. Obviously there is a lot more to the story, but it's private, and will remain so. There are a few family members and close friends that know the full story. Yes, there is some history, and any wrong that I have done to her I've apologized for. She has basically said that I am dead to her, that she doesn't have a sister. I haven't really talked to her in years. Even when I was in Montana this summer for 8 weeks, she never said the first word to me. Even though she was only 3 blocks away the entire time. She would just pretend that I wasn't there if she had to come to our mom's house and leave as soon as she could. To be honest, it hurt. It hurt alot. She has come to Utah or through Utah several times, and she's always been driving within 20-25 miles of me, but she's never stopped, not even for a few hours to say hi and let me see the kids or for her to see my kids or nothing. That hurt. That hurt alot.

Even if she was mad at me, I still had two kids that loved her. She was their only Aunt Brandy. The only aunt from my side of the family. Her kids were the only cousins from my side. She never called to tell them, or me, Happy Birthday, or Merry Christmas, or Happy Thanksgiving. She never called to just say that she was thinking of them or hello. She never will. She is hurting them just as much as she is hurting me, but she doesn't care. No matter what I've done to her or she thinks I've done, she takes it out on my kids and her kids both. We are all being punished. I'm not allowed to have any contact with her children at all. I was, for awhile, but that's been taken away again. AGAIN. That hurts, alot.

The other night I had a dream that she had passed away (Heaven forbid!). She was on her way back from Great Falls, doing a shopping trip for Christmas. As it so often happens in Montana, the weather changed quickly and became a white out blizzard. She was with her boyfriend, hit a patch of black ice, and was in a roll over collision. In my dream, they both died. I went to the funeral and her friends were there, of course. Her one friend (in my dream I know who it is but I won't say her name here) comes up to me and starts yelling at me. "Why are you even here? Brandy hated you! You have no right to be here at all!" My mom is freaking out, others are trying to hold this gal back from attacking me because she wants to HURT me. I'm crying. My kids are crying, her kids are crying. All I could say was, "Even though she stopped loving me, I never stopped loving her."

Even though she stopped loving me, I'VE NEVER STOPPED LOVING HER.

After I woke up, that phrase just kept going through my mind, and it made me think of my Heavenly Father and my Savior. Even though I mess up, alot, and there have been times in my life when I may have stopped loving Them, They have never stopped loving me. They will NEVER stop loving me, because I am Their child, Their sister. I am loved no matter what I do. They may not always like what I do, will be disappointed in me at times, but I will always know that I am loved by Them.

Just like I will always love my sister. No matter what. I don't like the things she does, but she is still my sister. There are times that I am very angry with her...very hurt by her....don't like her....I WILL ALWAYS LOVE HER.

Even though she's stopped loving me, I've never stopped loving her. Whether she likes it or not.

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